Everything that has happened TO you, has happened FOR you.

Do you ever come back from a trip or an event and feel completely rejuvenated? Refreshed? Re-energized?

I just got back from almost five days (kid free) at Beachbody Summit in Nashville, and also from seeing some of my family that lives there.

I can’t even tell you how much I needed that. I LOVE being a momma, and I missed my kids something FIERCE, but sometimes it’s hard. Sometimes the stress of caring for two little people, a husband, keeping up a house, laundry, dishes, working from home, potty training, teething, it can all be slightly overwhelming and exhausting.

It was such a nice opportunity for me to reconnect with myself and work on becoming a better person. Because honestly, that is what I did. That is why I love this company…they truly want each one of us to become the best versions of ourselves. Not just on the outside and being healthy, but starting from the inside.

I learned about how to better my relationship with my spouse from none other than Chalene Johnson, how to make my WHY become bigger than my fear, how to empower others, and how life is about truly finding the next right answer. So many things begin to change in our lives, when we come at it from the idea that there is more than one right answer.

Once we stop focusing on what is WRONG with a situation and instead focus on and celebrate what is RIGHT, things truly start to fall into place.

I was reminded once again, that everything that has happened TO ME, has happened FOR ME. Every tear, every battle with OCD, every day locked in my room my freshmen year of college when the depression was so great I couldn’t even go to class, every time I starved myself…it was ALL for my good.

You see we don’t really learn in the good times. We learn after we go through something that truly teaches us. Something that challenges us and makes us dig deep. Those are the times we should really be grateful for.

I know it is hard if you are currently down in the trenches right now, I do…I promise, I have been there. I know when I am going through a trial it is hard to be thankful in that moment that I am suffering.

But just know that one day you will get through it and you will learn a valuable lesson. It will make you a stronger person and give you tools that you could have never received any other way. Your heart will be opened to help other people and your empathy will grow ten fold.

You can do hard things. Take a minute to take a deep breathe and thank God for your trials. You got this!!!!

Let it go....

Don't hate me, but I didn't LOVE the movie Frozen. It's a cute movie yes, but I think by the time I saw it, it had been so hyped up, that it was almost kind of a let down. Sorry Elsa, you just didn't do it for me.

 Also that song. That annoying Let it Go song was EVERYWHERE. At the mall, grocery store, on tv, people would post videos of their kids singining it, heck my son was even singing it, and he had never even seen the movie!!!

With that being said, it does have a great message, even though it became like nails on a chalkboard. "Let it go." I think as an adult especially in the last 10 years, I have learned more than ever that sometimes you just have to pick your battles. Sometimes you have to just let it freaking go, even when your brain doesn't want to. Even if you think about the same scenerio and from every single angle, or shoulda coulda woulda, over and over, and over again. At some point you have to free yourself and your sanity and let it go.

One of my favorite sayings is sometimes its more important to be nice, than to be right. Which I think is hard for anyone with a pulse. We are human. We like to be right. Who is anyone else to tell us that we are wrong? How dare them?

I will admit, I get caught up in that cycle. But I have noticed that once I really let the situation lie, and get my panties out of a wad, I usually have a change of heart. Sometimes I realize that maybe I was the one wrong, or out of line, or that maybe I wasn't, but at the end of the day it just doesn't matter to me anymore. That at the end of the day, sometimes we just have to put our pride aside and humble ourselves. That sometimes its best to just say we are sorry, even if we don't want to or don't think we need to.

 I think in order to really enjoy life, we can't hold on to grudges or unkind feelings.
We also have to let things go that aren't good for us. Maybe its your self-talk. Maybe you are too hard on yourself emotionally because you didn't get that promotion, or you aren't as skinny as you want to be, or as rich as you want to be, etc. I think so often we focus on what we don't have, instead of what we do have.

I am grateful for all these hard experiences in life. Although they usually suck when I am going through them, I usually always find something positive in the end. This week has been rough. Physically and emotionally. If you know me personally, then you probably know that I had surgery on Monday and then my mom was admitted to the ICU the next day.

Life is fragile. We always need to be cognizant of that fact in our interactions with those we love- or even those brothers and sisters that we don't know. We don't know if the last time we talk to a family member will actually really be the last. When we have disagreements with people, we sure don't want that to be the last conversation we ever have with them.

Are we always going to handle every situation perfectly? No. However, just like anything else in life, it is the manner in which we pick ourselves up after the fact, that truly matters.  I know for certain, that I am not a perfect persona and I have A LOT to improve on. But I'm trying. We just gotta take it one day at a time and love each other. As cheesy as that sounds, that is what will bring us the most peace and happiness internally. We don't need to hold on to unnecessary baggage and pain. It's not worth it. Let it go. Love yourself. Love other people. We have no idea what another person is going through or struggling with. We just have to be nice. Period. And if we aren't nice, then we need to fix it. It's that simple.

How anxiety did a number on my physical health...

I have been awful about my blog lately!! So here we go--- let's try to resurrect this sucker!

So tomorrow I have quite a big surgery. It's oral surgery, but it's surgery nonetheless. As you can imagine, my anxiety is off the hook. I am getting 6 teeth extracted, bone grafting surgery, & implants drilled into my bone while AWAKE. Yes, you read that correctly. Why I didn't opt for IV sedation is beyond me, but I thought after 2 c-sections I could handle anything awake. :)

I mean I have had A LOT of dental work in my time (thank goodness my Dad is a retired dentist) but nothing like what I am going to experience tomorrow.

It's funny, well actually it's not at all, but our parents are always right. We should listen to them more often. Heck, I should have listened to my dad! He told me back in my early twenties, that if I didn't get a grip on my personal health, that this would all happen. (AKA my procedures tomorrow)

Well, shoulda coulda woulda, but it's too late. So all I can do is more forward.

So here's the deal. I know I preach this all the time, but your mental health and physical health are 100% intertwined with each other. If you feel like crap mentally, then your physical health gets pushed to the back burner.

If you feel like crap physically (out of shape, overweight, high blood pressure, etc) then it can make you unhappy, increase your anxiety, and could ultimately lead to depression.

It's all about balance between the two. You have to put just as much focus on one, as you do the other.

For those of you who are new to my blog, let me catch you up a bit. I grew up in a great family with lots of love. However, I was already predisposed to depression and severe anxiety because of genetics.

When I was 18 I moved away from home and went to college out of state. I knew no one, but was fortunate enough to have an older brother live close by. To make a long story short, my mom said I went from being a big fish in a little sea, to a little fish in a big sea, when I moved away from home.

In high school, I was very outgoing and bubbly. I was an All-American cheerleader, dancer,  student council rep, one of three Oklahoma Girls State representatives, Girls State Treasurer, and very active in my church callings. I always had a smile on my face, and was friends with everyone. I honestly had no enemies and did not discriminate.

Even though I came from a pretty well-off family, I wasn't one to be stuck up or think I was ever better than someone else. I wasn't your typical cheerleader either. I would go home after games on Friday nights and bake cookies with two of my girlfriends. I never snuck out and never got grounded.

Over all, I was just a good, happy, straight laced kid.

The biggest thing was that I was ALWAYS happy. I didn't know any different. Even though I had watched my own mother struggle with horrible depression since I was a young child, I didn't really understand it.

She was a great mom, loving, self-less, beautiful, and everything I aspired to be. At that young of an age, I couldn't comprehend how or what she went through in her own mind.

When I moved away to go to college the summer of 1997, everything changed. What should have been the happiest and most exciting time of my life, was anything but that.

I was homesick, scared, lonely, and became fixated on my body. By body, I mean what I ate, more importantly what I didn't eat, working out, losing weight, etc.

I go into more detail about this in earlier blog posts, but that is when anorexia became a big part of my life.

As I went through college and even after graduation into my mid-twenties, I struggled with anorexia, bulimia, anxiety, and depression. I experienced my first experience with depression and almost had to drop out of college on a couple of occasions.

I was paralyzed mentally. I wasn't quite sure what was happening to me, but I was not the girl that I had always known. The once optimistic and bubbly girl, had turned into a sad, hopeless, recluse. I had a hard time getting out of bed, being around others, going to class, taking a shower, etc. I didn't know how to be a member of society anymore. I know that sounds kind of dramatic, but that is the only way I know how to put it.

After about 10 years of being actively involved in my eating disorder, several bouts with depression, an eating disorder clinic, various counselors, anti-depressants, etc- I was only diagnosed with general anxiety, an obvious eating disorder, and severe depression.

However, it wasn't until I was pregnant with our first in 2011, that I was diagnosed with the root of all of these. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. It took all of those experiences, and me hitting absolute rock bottom, for a psychiatrist to actually get my diagnosis right.

I still thank the good Lord for that doctor. What was the hardest time of my life, was actually the start of the rest of my life. You see, you can't really treat or address a problem, if you don't  know what the problem is in the first place. How do you fix something, if you don't what you are trying to fix?? It's impossible.

The point I am trying to make is this. I was so caught up in my mind/OCD/anxiety/eating disorder/depression, that I completely neglected my physical health. Even though I was working out, it didn't matter. Too much of a good thing can be awful for you! Especially if you aren't getting proper nutrition, your body is starving for calories, and you aren't keeping anything down that you do eat.

I was sad, anxious, depressed, and just trying to control anything that I could.  For me personally, it manifested itself in my physical appearance, my nutrition or lack there of, etc.

What I didn't know, was that ALL OF THIS, was being fueled by OCD. I had struggled with OCD since as early as I can remember. Probably 5 or 6.

However, I had no clue. OCD is one of those things that is so misunderstood. People think that if you have OCD that you constantly have to wash your hands, or lock doors. Yes, I did experience both of those things, but my OCD was mainly in my mind with ruminating.

It caused such awful anxiety, that I would do whatever I could to try and relieve it. Thus, my eating disorder was my biggest coping mechanism.

Well that eating disorder, wreaked havoc on my physical health. At 35 I already have osteoperosis and have done so much damage to my teeth.

So let this be a lesson to you, all of you, that you have to take care of your body & your physical health. You have to take care of your mental health. You truly cannot be healthy, if you don't address them together as one.

Don't wait until it is too late. Don't wait until tomorrow or the next day.

Do it today.

You are worth it.

Your family is worth it.

If you need help, then get it. Create the balance you need in your life to truly be happy. It is possible, and I am living proof.

You got this.

PS- This was taken right before #2 was born last October. This picture to me, represents happiness, strength, resilience, love, excellent health, & hope. <3

Much love,
Lyndsee

PERFECTIONISM- GAG!!!!

Ok, let's talk perfectionism today. Perfectionism is a bitch. No other way to describe it.

It is one of my worst qualities and something I have struggld with severely my entire life.

Why are we so dang hard on ourselves? Do you realize that you are 200% always harder on yourself than you are on other people? We are our own worst critics.

When you are constantly trying to be PERFECT it is severely self-depricating and self-destructive. I'm not saying to not try your best to live a good life, but there is a fine line between trying your best and trying to be the best.

When we focus on perfection something ugly rears its head.  It is a monster filled with negataive self talk, self-hatred, depression, anxiety, and a never ending feeling that you just can't measure up.

Listen I get it. It's so easy to compare yourself to the mom you see at church, or your best friend, your co-worker, your siblings, but it is such a bad habit. When we compare it steals away our joy. When we compare it will never make you feel good enough, smart enough, pretty enough.

So stop comparing!  Stop beating yourself up!  Instead of focusing on all your flaws, focus on the things that you do right. Focus on your strength and your individual qualities.

Stop the perfectionism trap. It will make you miserable and get you absolutely nowhere.  Stop with the 'what ifs'. You don't have to be perfect, you just need to try your best. You will make mistakes and that's okay. Dust yourself off, try again, and let God pick up the rest.

xo,
Lyndsee

AUTHENTIC ALLIES

Authentic: (adjective)
Definition of: Real or genuine, not copied or false, true and accurate.

Allies: (plural of Ally)
Definition of: A person or group that gives help to another person or group. Supporter of another person or group.

I'm sure most of you have heard the quote before, "You become like the 5 people you spend the most time with. Choose carefully."

Take a second to do a mental inventory of the five people you spend the majority of your time with.   Do you feel that these people are positive or negative influences in your life?

Now that you know who these 5 people are, do you feel like they are your 'Authentic Allies.' Do they know everything about you and still accept you? Do they lift you up when you are down? Are they honest with you or fake with you? Do they really have your back, or do they just say they have your back? Do they love you unconditionally? Would they stand up for you if someone hurt your feelings? Do they include you?  Do they support your dreams and goals? Do they push you to be the best version of yourself? Do they make you feel at peace when you are around them, or do they make you feel anxious instead?

Think about it.  Think about who you let in your inner-circle.  You are important.  You deserve to be lifted up and loved. If there are people in your life that do not bring out the best in you, or make you feel less than you are. Cut them loose. Move ON.

 I guarentee you there are plenty of people out there that truly do love you and care about you. Flaws and all. Chosse your circle carefully.

Find your Authentic Allies and cling to them. Be good to them. Lift them up. Let them know of their self-worth. Be honest with them. Be kind. Listen to them. Love them. I can't ever over-emphasize the importance of just being kind & being a friend to someone.There is too much ugly and negativity in this world. Don't be that. Don't go there. Don't judge. Be someone's light. Be someone's reason to laugh, to smile, to hold on. Just be genuine.

"If we are not making someone else's life better, than we are wasting our time."

"Everyone you meet is fighting a battle, that you know nothing about."

WHAT IF? (2 little words)

What if I wasn't breathing right?  I mean I was breathing and tried to take deep breaths, but I didn't have the right feeling when I was breathing??? Oh gosh, I gotta figure out how to fix this? How do I fix this? Is there a proper way to breathe? I can't handle if I didn't do it right. Rapid heartbeat and flushed cheeks.

What if I wasn't holding the pacifier at the right angle? I'm a bad mother now. Oh crap, but I try so hard. I love my children so much.  I'm a failure. How do I fix this? I can't handle this anxiety.

What if that dose of medicine I missed by twenty minutes gave my kid cancer? I need to research acid refulx. No, don't research acid reflux, don't do it, don't do it. It says severe cases can cause cancer. I gave my child cancer. This can't be happening. I can't breathe. How could I possibly have given my kid cancer? This isn't rational Lyndsee, calm down. But the internet said...I need to go the pediatricians office now and tell them what happened. You can't. They will think you are crazy. This isn't rational, but what if it is? What if my kid is sick? I can't breathe. I'm a horrible parent. How could I forget that dose by twenty minutes. I'm a failure. Runs to pediatricians office in complete panic and crys in the waiting room.

What if that donut is going to make me gain ten lbs tonightut? No that isn't possible. I must get to the gym, but it's 2 in the morning and I have to work at 7. It doesn't matter you have to go. But a donut can't make you gain 10 lbs over night, but what if it does? What if your jeans won't fit and you don't have anything to wear to work. You have to go to the gym. But it's 2 am, I need sleep. You are going to regret this in the morning. Why can everyone else eat and not feel guilty? I didn't do anything wrong. Yes you did. Massive anxiety. Gets in the car and goes to gym at 2 am.

What if I didn't tell that story right and I left out a connecting word? Who cares, its a dumb word. But it matters. If you don't re-tell the story then you are a liar. But I'm not. I'm an honest person. But you have to retell it and get it right. Well what is right? How do I know? Well it will feel right. (Re-tells the story twenty times and can't explain to the other person why they keep repeating themself. Other person is totally annoyed and tells you they have heard the story thirty times.) Massive embarresment, still trying to figure out in mind if the last version was told correctly. Thinks about it the rest of the day.

What if that car would have hit me? What if I would have been a few feet over? So what? Why does that matter? I am fine and I am safe. Nothing happened. But what if it did? What if I got in a really bad accident and somehow it was my fault? What if someone got hurt? What if I got hurt? What if they have to call an ambulence and my parents find out? What if they are worried? I dont want them to worry. I can't breath. I am fine. Looks around and realize nothing happened. But what if it did? Worries about it the rest of the day.

What if someone slips at the pool because I got extra water on the floor in the bathrooom? I better stay and wipe that up until I know its dry.  But I have been wiping for thirty minutes? There is no water left on the ground. Well I better make sure. If someone slips and hurts themself then it is my fault. But it's dry I can see and feel its dry. Am I sure? What if I missed a spot? People keep walking in and looking at me. I feel so stupid. I have got to stop. But I can't.

What if that homework assignment I had extra help on made me a cheater? But I didn't cheat? This was 15 years ago, I was in high school. I just had someone help me. Well what if they pulled more of the load? But I did my best. But if I didn't then my homework isn't technically mine and I shouldn't have a diploma. But it's my high school diploma? If I didn't graduate high school then I am going to have to call my college and tell them. I am going to have to get my college diploma back too. How is this happening? This can't be happening? I'm going to lose my job. I'm going to lose my insurance. I gotta go tell my boss. They are going to think I'm crazy. I  have a baby on the way. This can't be happening.

THIS is what it used to be like in my mind.  This is how I used to live on a minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, month by month basis. It was exhausting.

Actually, sitting here right now and reading all these I can't believe how far I have come and how bad my OCD was at one time.  I couldn't focus, sleep, enjoy my normal activities, or anything without constantly asking 'what if' questions.  Even if I knew they didn't make sense, I still felt this over-heightened responsibility to figure everything out. I was one hot mess.

I mean how does one figure things out, that can't be figured out in the first place. Talk about anxiety provoking!  It's like a damn crossword puzzle you can't ever find the answers to.  I mean who wrote the manual on breathing? How do you know if you are doing it wrong? It's a natural function. Seriously I felt like a walking and talking ball of stress. How do you explain to your husband that you had a rough day because you didn't breath right?!  I can't even!!! I am sitting here cracking up right now.  Not that its funny, but in some ways it is. Seriously, HOT MESS!

If you are struggling with OCD, then you need to label the thoughts for what they are.  You need to recognize the pattern that you feel everytime. The what if scenerios, the pain in your chest, the rapid heartrate, the pit in your stomach, sweat palms, and anxiety that just builds and builds.

Treat every OCD thought and episode the same, even if some produce more anxiety than others. Learn to sit with it. Don't try to avoid the pain or anxiety. Let it bet there and remind yourself that these thoughts don't matter!  They are irrelevant.

Seriously, get up and go for a run. Get outside. Turn on Jeopardy. Watch the Kardashians and make fun of Kim's whiny cry, do anything but sit there and stew over nonsense. I know it feels real and it sure doesn't feel like non-sense, but I can promise you that it is.

It's mother trucking nonsense!

Now that I am better, I can say that my thoughts center around when is my next cheat day and when do I get my next donut. Oh how far I have come. :)

Hang in there! Keep fighting. Don't be a hot mess like me. And just think.. you will have some great stories to tell you grandkids someday. They will be like "Grandma, why were you such a weirdo?!" Well dear, I just was. Now go practice your breathing. You're doing it wrong. ;)

How am I going to handle the challenges of the day?

Last weekend we went on our first vacay as a family of four, and now I need a vacay from my vacay.  Isn't that ironic? No really, it was alot of fun, but sleeping in hotels is totally different now that we have two kids under the age of three.  The days of the nice black out curtains, sleeping in, and ordering room service are long gone.  But you know what? I wouldn't change a thing!  Memories were made that will last a lifetime, even if I am too tired to remember them. :)

With that being said, we pulled back into our driveway Sunday night and when I woke up Monday, the anxiety sat in.  I stood there and stared at the piles of laundry, bags that needed unpacking, groceries that needed to be bought, dishes that needed to be washed, and the to do list just kept on growing. I could feel the anxiety and panic growing in my chest and honestly didn't even know where to start.  On top of that, I was completely exhausted.

I think so many times as mommas, we forget to put ourselves in the equation.  One thing that has really helped decrease my anxiety has been working out.  Even for just thirty minutes a day.  My friends ask me, how do you have time? Well, I don't necessarily have it, but I make it.  It is a non-negotiable.  I am a better mom, more patient, a better wife, more productive, if I take thirty minutes out for me to workout in our basement each morning.  Well guess what, yesterday I didn't make that time.  I felt more irratible yesterday and anxious than I had in a while.  I know how crucial that thirty minutes is for me.  The natural endorphins it gives me and the extra energy to meet an already overly demanding schedule.
So as you read this article, think about what you can do to give yourselves thirty minutes everyday.  I can guarantee you, if you are an anxious person this will really help improve your mood.  As moms, we have to take care of ourselves.  If we don't do it, then noone else will. Our little people depend on us.  Our husbands depend on us.  And you deserve that time to reconnect and focus on your physical health.  In return you are automically helping your mental health.  Have a great Tuesday Friends.  Love yourself today. You are worth it. :)

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/exercise-and-mood/201110/exercise-anxiety?destination=blog%2Fexercise-and-mood%2F201110%2Fexercise-anxiety