PERFECTIONISM- GAG!!!!

Ok, let's talk perfectionism today. Perfectionism is a bitch. No other way to describe it.

It is one of my worst qualities and something I have struggld with severely my entire life.

Why are we so dang hard on ourselves? Do you realize that you are 200% always harder on yourself than you are on other people? We are our own worst critics.

When you are constantly trying to be PERFECT it is severely self-depricating and self-destructive. I'm not saying to not try your best to live a good life, but there is a fine line between trying your best and trying to be the best.

When we focus on perfection something ugly rears its head.  It is a monster filled with negataive self talk, self-hatred, depression, anxiety, and a never ending feeling that you just can't measure up.

Listen I get it. It's so easy to compare yourself to the mom you see at church, or your best friend, your co-worker, your siblings, but it is such a bad habit. When we compare it steals away our joy. When we compare it will never make you feel good enough, smart enough, pretty enough.

So stop comparing!  Stop beating yourself up!  Instead of focusing on all your flaws, focus on the things that you do right. Focus on your strength and your individual qualities.

Stop the perfectionism trap. It will make you miserable and get you absolutely nowhere.  Stop with the 'what ifs'. You don't have to be perfect, you just need to try your best. You will make mistakes and that's okay. Dust yourself off, try again, and let God pick up the rest.

xo,
Lyndsee

AUTHENTIC ALLIES

Authentic: (adjective)
Definition of: Real or genuine, not copied or false, true and accurate.

Allies: (plural of Ally)
Definition of: A person or group that gives help to another person or group. Supporter of another person or group.

I'm sure most of you have heard the quote before, "You become like the 5 people you spend the most time with. Choose carefully."

Take a second to do a mental inventory of the five people you spend the majority of your time with.   Do you feel that these people are positive or negative influences in your life?

Now that you know who these 5 people are, do you feel like they are your 'Authentic Allies.' Do they know everything about you and still accept you? Do they lift you up when you are down? Are they honest with you or fake with you? Do they really have your back, or do they just say they have your back? Do they love you unconditionally? Would they stand up for you if someone hurt your feelings? Do they include you?  Do they support your dreams and goals? Do they push you to be the best version of yourself? Do they make you feel at peace when you are around them, or do they make you feel anxious instead?

Think about it.  Think about who you let in your inner-circle.  You are important.  You deserve to be lifted up and loved. If there are people in your life that do not bring out the best in you, or make you feel less than you are. Cut them loose. Move ON.

 I guarentee you there are plenty of people out there that truly do love you and care about you. Flaws and all. Chosse your circle carefully.

Find your Authentic Allies and cling to them. Be good to them. Lift them up. Let them know of their self-worth. Be honest with them. Be kind. Listen to them. Love them. I can't ever over-emphasize the importance of just being kind & being a friend to someone.There is too much ugly and negativity in this world. Don't be that. Don't go there. Don't judge. Be someone's light. Be someone's reason to laugh, to smile, to hold on. Just be genuine.

"If we are not making someone else's life better, than we are wasting our time."

"Everyone you meet is fighting a battle, that you know nothing about."

WHAT IF? (2 little words)

What if I wasn't breathing right?  I mean I was breathing and tried to take deep breaths, but I didn't have the right feeling when I was breathing??? Oh gosh, I gotta figure out how to fix this? How do I fix this? Is there a proper way to breathe? I can't handle if I didn't do it right. Rapid heartbeat and flushed cheeks.

What if I wasn't holding the pacifier at the right angle? I'm a bad mother now. Oh crap, but I try so hard. I love my children so much.  I'm a failure. How do I fix this? I can't handle this anxiety.

What if that dose of medicine I missed by twenty minutes gave my kid cancer? I need to research acid refulx. No, don't research acid reflux, don't do it, don't do it. It says severe cases can cause cancer. I gave my child cancer. This can't be happening. I can't breathe. How could I possibly have given my kid cancer? This isn't rational Lyndsee, calm down. But the internet said...I need to go the pediatricians office now and tell them what happened. You can't. They will think you are crazy. This isn't rational, but what if it is? What if my kid is sick? I can't breathe. I'm a horrible parent. How could I forget that dose by twenty minutes. I'm a failure. Runs to pediatricians office in complete panic and crys in the waiting room.

What if that donut is going to make me gain ten lbs tonightut? No that isn't possible. I must get to the gym, but it's 2 in the morning and I have to work at 7. It doesn't matter you have to go. But a donut can't make you gain 10 lbs over night, but what if it does? What if your jeans won't fit and you don't have anything to wear to work. You have to go to the gym. But it's 2 am, I need sleep. You are going to regret this in the morning. Why can everyone else eat and not feel guilty? I didn't do anything wrong. Yes you did. Massive anxiety. Gets in the car and goes to gym at 2 am.

What if I didn't tell that story right and I left out a connecting word? Who cares, its a dumb word. But it matters. If you don't re-tell the story then you are a liar. But I'm not. I'm an honest person. But you have to retell it and get it right. Well what is right? How do I know? Well it will feel right. (Re-tells the story twenty times and can't explain to the other person why they keep repeating themself. Other person is totally annoyed and tells you they have heard the story thirty times.) Massive embarresment, still trying to figure out in mind if the last version was told correctly. Thinks about it the rest of the day.

What if that car would have hit me? What if I would have been a few feet over? So what? Why does that matter? I am fine and I am safe. Nothing happened. But what if it did? What if I got in a really bad accident and somehow it was my fault? What if someone got hurt? What if I got hurt? What if they have to call an ambulence and my parents find out? What if they are worried? I dont want them to worry. I can't breath. I am fine. Looks around and realize nothing happened. But what if it did? Worries about it the rest of the day.

What if someone slips at the pool because I got extra water on the floor in the bathrooom? I better stay and wipe that up until I know its dry.  But I have been wiping for thirty minutes? There is no water left on the ground. Well I better make sure. If someone slips and hurts themself then it is my fault. But it's dry I can see and feel its dry. Am I sure? What if I missed a spot? People keep walking in and looking at me. I feel so stupid. I have got to stop. But I can't.

What if that homework assignment I had extra help on made me a cheater? But I didn't cheat? This was 15 years ago, I was in high school. I just had someone help me. Well what if they pulled more of the load? But I did my best. But if I didn't then my homework isn't technically mine and I shouldn't have a diploma. But it's my high school diploma? If I didn't graduate high school then I am going to have to call my college and tell them. I am going to have to get my college diploma back too. How is this happening? This can't be happening? I'm going to lose my job. I'm going to lose my insurance. I gotta go tell my boss. They are going to think I'm crazy. I  have a baby on the way. This can't be happening.

THIS is what it used to be like in my mind.  This is how I used to live on a minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, month by month basis. It was exhausting.

Actually, sitting here right now and reading all these I can't believe how far I have come and how bad my OCD was at one time.  I couldn't focus, sleep, enjoy my normal activities, or anything without constantly asking 'what if' questions.  Even if I knew they didn't make sense, I still felt this over-heightened responsibility to figure everything out. I was one hot mess.

I mean how does one figure things out, that can't be figured out in the first place. Talk about anxiety provoking!  It's like a damn crossword puzzle you can't ever find the answers to.  I mean who wrote the manual on breathing? How do you know if you are doing it wrong? It's a natural function. Seriously I felt like a walking and talking ball of stress. How do you explain to your husband that you had a rough day because you didn't breath right?!  I can't even!!! I am sitting here cracking up right now.  Not that its funny, but in some ways it is. Seriously, HOT MESS!

If you are struggling with OCD, then you need to label the thoughts for what they are.  You need to recognize the pattern that you feel everytime. The what if scenerios, the pain in your chest, the rapid heartrate, the pit in your stomach, sweat palms, and anxiety that just builds and builds.

Treat every OCD thought and episode the same, even if some produce more anxiety than others. Learn to sit with it. Don't try to avoid the pain or anxiety. Let it bet there and remind yourself that these thoughts don't matter!  They are irrelevant.

Seriously, get up and go for a run. Get outside. Turn on Jeopardy. Watch the Kardashians and make fun of Kim's whiny cry, do anything but sit there and stew over nonsense. I know it feels real and it sure doesn't feel like non-sense, but I can promise you that it is.

It's mother trucking nonsense!

Now that I am better, I can say that my thoughts center around when is my next cheat day and when do I get my next donut. Oh how far I have come. :)

Hang in there! Keep fighting. Don't be a hot mess like me. And just think.. you will have some great stories to tell you grandkids someday. They will be like "Grandma, why were you such a weirdo?!" Well dear, I just was. Now go practice your breathing. You're doing it wrong. ;)

How am I going to handle the challenges of the day?

Last weekend we went on our first vacay as a family of four, and now I need a vacay from my vacay.  Isn't that ironic? No really, it was alot of fun, but sleeping in hotels is totally different now that we have two kids under the age of three.  The days of the nice black out curtains, sleeping in, and ordering room service are long gone.  But you know what? I wouldn't change a thing!  Memories were made that will last a lifetime, even if I am too tired to remember them. :)

With that being said, we pulled back into our driveway Sunday night and when I woke up Monday, the anxiety sat in.  I stood there and stared at the piles of laundry, bags that needed unpacking, groceries that needed to be bought, dishes that needed to be washed, and the to do list just kept on growing. I could feel the anxiety and panic growing in my chest and honestly didn't even know where to start.  On top of that, I was completely exhausted.

I think so many times as mommas, we forget to put ourselves in the equation.  One thing that has really helped decrease my anxiety has been working out.  Even for just thirty minutes a day.  My friends ask me, how do you have time? Well, I don't necessarily have it, but I make it.  It is a non-negotiable.  I am a better mom, more patient, a better wife, more productive, if I take thirty minutes out for me to workout in our basement each morning.  Well guess what, yesterday I didn't make that time.  I felt more irratible yesterday and anxious than I had in a while.  I know how crucial that thirty minutes is for me.  The natural endorphins it gives me and the extra energy to meet an already overly demanding schedule.
So as you read this article, think about what you can do to give yourselves thirty minutes everyday.  I can guarantee you, if you are an anxious person this will really help improve your mood.  As moms, we have to take care of ourselves.  If we don't do it, then noone else will. Our little people depend on us.  Our husbands depend on us.  And you deserve that time to reconnect and focus on your physical health.  In return you are automically helping your mental health.  Have a great Tuesday Friends.  Love yourself today. You are worth it. :)

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/exercise-and-mood/201110/exercise-anxiety?destination=blog%2Fexercise-and-mood%2F201110%2Fexercise-anxiety

To all of my pregnant mommas with OCD....

Listen I know the pain feels like its too much to bear.  I know the anxiety rests heavy on your chest and you can barely catch your breath through all of the tears.  I know it seems like you are all alone, and noone understands what you are going through. I know you are doubting your abilities to be a mother right now and wondering how you will take care of this little human inside of you, when you can barely take care of yourself. I see you, I hear you, I was you at one time. 

This too shall pass... It will, I promise it really will.  If you feel like you are at rock bottom right now, it can only get better.  It might not get better this minute, or even tomorrow, but it will get better.  It can only get better.  You must find that little piece of hope and cling to it.  YOU are important and YOU are loved.  God chose YOU to be the mother of this most precious human life growing inside of you.  YOU can offer something to this child that noone else in the world can.  Trust me on this one. You are special.  I think you are special. 

In the last month of starting this blog, so many of you sweet expecting mommas have reached out to me in a private message.  I can't even express or put into words, the special place in my heart I have for you.  If I could, if it was humanly possible, I would take away all your pain.  It breaks my heart that you too, have to endure some of the same demons.  But I need you to be aware of something.  Be not only aware of your worth, but also be aware of the moment.  Be aware of the situation.

You might wonder what I mean by that, so let me explain.  It took 32 years to get a proper diagnosis for OCD.  I can't tell you how many doctors missed the mark.  You see, OCD even if it has always been around for you, can go through phases. If you do your research, in almost every book it will tell you that OCD tends to spike during life altering events. (Death of a loved one, pregnancy, severe illness of a loved one, etc.) So be aware that if you are pregnant even if its for the fifth time, this is a life altering event. 

When I was 26 years old I got engaged.  During that engagement although it was quick, I experienced some of the worst anxiety brought on by OCD I had ever experienced up until I was pregnant with my first.  You see getting engaged was a huge milestone for me, for anyone for that matter.  Before he even put the ring on my finger, my heart felt like it was going to beat out of  my chest.  (And not in a good way.) All of a sudden my entire life flashed before my eyes.  I became so obssessed with every tiny detail. I remember the night before we actually got engaged I had a huge panic attack.  I can't really explain what I felt, but I just became obsessed with this notion that  I wasn't worthy enough to be loved or to be a wife. Every little mistake I had ever  made flashed through my mind as if I was watching it on the big screen.  But here is the catch, I had lived such a great life thus far.  Of course noone is perfect, but I really was a good person. I knew that too, but the OCD just shouted at me otherwise.  That night I just broke down in tears to my fiance, and I know for a fact it completely overwhelmed him. At that point, my eating disorder took center stage.  For the next few months my weight plummeted.  (I was only 110 lbs to start and ended up somewhere around 88-90 lbs at my lowest). I couldn't control the thoughts of failure in my head, but I could control how many calories I ate, how many miles I ran, and the size of my clothes.  This behavior ended up driving my fiance away.  He ended up pushing the wedding date back after plane tickets were already bought.  And then after changing the date again, he still couldn't commit.  At that point, I knew he didn't want to marry me and I gave the ring back. It was hell. It was the worst pain I had ever felt. My health continued to get worse and shortly after I was admitted to an eating disorder clinic in Salt Lake City, where once again I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety.

Fast forward two years later, and I was engaged a second time to the love of my life. My husband of almost eight years and father to our two beautiful children.  Being married to Chris was the best decision I have ever made.  He was such a positive influence on my eating habits and I finally learned how to kick the anorexia. I still continued to experience OCD some times worse than others, but the worst had not hit us yet.  It wasn't until I was pregnant with our first, that I honestly thought I was losing my mind.  The thoughts just wouldn't stop racing. No matter what I did, I could not turn my brain off. I was starting my third trimester and only sleeping about two hours a night.  I would lay in bed and ruminate for hours on end. I just wanted to rip my hair out and jump out of my skin. Even if I did fall asleep, the minute I would wake up I was right back in the OCD episode.  Do you know how annoying and frustrating it is to think the same thing over and over and over and over again? Especially when it causes such distress? Do you know how frustrating it is to see all of your other pregnant friends glowing and just enjoying the moment and then you look in the mirror at yourself? Well, of course you do. Because you my sweet friends are just like me.  I feel your anxiety and I feel your hopeless pain.  I know it seems like it will never end and that you will never feel 'normal' again.  I know it feels as if you have been thrown into the depths of hell and you will never get out.  I get it. I really do. However, I am living proof that you CAN and WILL get out.  Just promise me that you will hang on.  Find that little piece of hope and cling to it with every ounce of energy you have.  If you can find hope you can find peace. You will get through this and it will get better...and guess what? You will have the best reward that you could ever hope for when you are holding that sweet baby of yours in your arms.  You will look at that innocent face and know that it was all worth it.  Every tear, every panic attack, every sleepless night... You will love that child so much, that you would go through it all over again. <3

So what is OCD like for you anyway?

Ever since I was diagnosed with OCD and more importantly started talking about I have had alot of people ask me what OCD is like for me? I mean they don't see me constantly checking locks or washing my hands over and over.  Most of my OCD occurs completely in my own mind.  The obsession and compulsion.  Let me explain:

I remember as early as 5 years old laying in my bed with horrible anxiety.  You see earlier that day I had overheard some people talking at the store when I was out with my mom.  I couldn't rembember exactly what they had said, nor did it even matter- but I was still wracking my brains out trying to figure out all the details.  The anxiety of not remembering exactly every detail was so great that I got an awful stomach ache.  Not knowing I was actually having the start of a panic attack, I went into my parents room and asked for some stomach medicine.  They then tucked me back in and off to my own world of anxiety I went.  What did those people say? What if I can't remember and I really need to know? What if by not remembering something horrible is going to happen to me and my family. What if? What if? What if? The anxiety I felt even as a innocent 5 year old still brings a pit to my stomach.

You see they call OCD the doubting disease.  It makes you doubt everything you think and everything you know.  OCD and uncertainity do not mesh well together.  That uncertainty fuels the OCD thoughts and compulsions.  Now with the example above, you are probably wondering what the compulsion was.  The obsession was that if I didn't figure out what was said, that something bad would happen to me and my family.  The compulsion end of it was non-stop mental rumination.  Rumination is where you go over and over things, events, thoughts, etc in your head- almost trying to figure out some puzzle.   The catchy part is it's a puzzle that can never be solved. So instead you spend hours, days, sometimes months trying to figure things out in your mind.  You do this because you are trying to neturalize and reduce the level of anxiety.  Very similar to an OCD person that feels that their hands are too dirty , so they continue to wash and wash to diminish the anxiety until things feel just right.

Another example I have is from middle school.  Another part of OCD is saying or repeating things until it feels 'just right' in order to keep bad things from happening.  I remember hanging out with one of my best friends and I was trying to tell her a story about something.  I kept repeating and repeating.  If I felt like I left out a word or didn't phrase it correctly, I would have to restart the entire story over again from the beginning.  She finally said, "Lyndsee.... Stop!!!! You have now told me this like 5 or 6 different times" When she said that, I remember being so embaressed.  I knew I had told the story a gazillion times and I couldn't explain why even to myself, but I had to keep repeating it until I felt like it was told correctly- otherwise my anxiety would not go away.

Last example, also in Middle School.  I remember kids at school talking about how Stillwater was now becoming infested with gangs from the Crips and the Bloods.  This terrified me.  It caused so much anxiety that every day for the next three weeks it was all I could think about.  That these gangs were going to kill me and my family.  It was the worst thought and no matter what I did I could not get it out of my head.  It was at that point, that I became a compulsive door locker.  We lived in a pretty big house and I would spend up to 45 minutes locking, relocking, locking, relocking, and checking every single door- sometimes up to 100 times each every single night. Once I had finished that daunting task it would make the anxiety go away...at least for a little bit.

Now I could tell you a thousand stories, but I will spare you the craziness.  :) Point is this.  OCD obsessions usually center around things and values/morals you hold dearest.  So for me mine always center around health and safety of my kids & husband.  Although obsessions can be different for everyone, it is important to remember that just because it is an obsession doesn't mean they agree with it, when in fact it is the complete opposite

"Having Compassion One of Another..."

I think one of the most beautiful scriptures in the Bible, is 1 Peter 3:8- "Finally, be ye all of one mind, having compassion one of another, love as brethren, be pitiful, be courteous."

In one of my favorite talks given by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, he speaks about how to best respond when mental or emotional challenges confront you or someone you love.  He goes on to say how no matter what the mental disorder may be, whether it is depression, anxiety, OCD, bipolarity, a chromosonal defect, schizophrenia, etc- that as bewildering as these might be that these are the realities of mortal life. That because of these realities there should be no more shame in acknowledging them than in acknowledging a battle with high blood pressure or the sudden apparence of a malignant tumor. 

Honestly, I coudln't agree more with this statement. Why is it so hard to admit that we might struggle emotionally when we can so easily admit when we have a physical ailment? I think for most people, including myself its humility. Our society has given such a stigma to mental illness.  That if you struggle from any form of it, you are a freak, not a good person, unloveable, defective, unsuccessful, unable to contribute to society, and the list goes on and on.  This really couldn't be further from the truth.  Some of the most successful, loving, and funny people I know have struggled with mental illness.  Most of them depression.  There should be no shame in any of this.  People should not be afraid to seek help or get on medication just because society shames them.

The first time I struggled with depression was when I was a freshmen at BYU.  Growing up in a small Oklahoma town, my mom said I went from being a big fish in a little sea, to a little fish in a big sea.  Which I guess there is some truth to that, but I think mainly depression was just genetic for me.  It runs in my family and it is something that I have watched my mom suffer from my entire life.  I didn't always understand it growing up, nor did I have the type of compassion for her that I do now, but she is my best friend, my biggest supporter, and understands me better than anyone. My heart breaks for her that she has struggled with this demon as well.

 You see depression isn't just like a bad hair day, or tax season approaching, or not getting picked for the cheerleading team.  Depression is dark, it is endless, it is lonely, and it is completely debilitating.  When I first started experiencing depression during summer school at BYU, I honestly didn't know what was going on.  Being a very social person that likes to laugh and make others laugh, I started to become completely withdrawn.  Again most of this was tied to my OCD (but remember I had not been diagnosed with that until I was 32... I was 18).  I had just moved to Provo and out of my parents house.  I had dated the same guy for the majority of my life thus far and had all of the same friends since elementary school.  So obviously I had some major changes all at once.  Changes that were exciting to most of the people I came across, but in so many ways they were terrifying with me.  Almost immediately I became severely anorexic.  (My main compulsion for my OCD at the time) I would average about 600 calories a day and I lived in the gym.  I remember walking across campus in the hot desert sun dying of thirst.  I was also restricting fluids and water, so I was completely dehydrated.  Once I reached my class I allowed myself three sips of water from the water fountain and each sip that I took made my anxiety rise. I lost 20 lbs my first full three weeks in Utah.  (I didn't have 20 lbs to lose, but had massive body dysmorphia- more about that later.)

The anoriexa, depression, and OCD continued to get worse and peaked during the fall and winter semesters.  I eventually got to a point where I was missing way more class than I was attending and would only leave my room to go to the bathroom or take a shower.  I basically cut everyone out of my life and lost interest in everything that made me happy.  My self esteem was at an all time low and I hated myself.  What made matters worse, was I really had no reason to be depressed.  I got into the college of my choice and had a very fortunate life.  That made me more depressed. The only thing I really threw myself into was my eating disorder.  It utterly consumed my every move. 

Now I could go on and on about woe is me, but I am honestly geting annoyed reliving all this crap.  The point is this.  Depression isn't something you or someone else can snap out of.  There is no magic spell or  Gennie that can save you.  It just is.  It sucks. Its hell. That is where compassion comes into play.  Whether you are the one that is depressed or it is your best friend, HAVE COMPASSION. 

If you are depressed-

1) Have Faith
2) Get on your knees
3) Remember that Christ died for us on the cross and took upon all of our pain, illness, and sin. He knows exactly what you are going through.
4) Seek Help.
5) Talk it out. Whether it be with  a counselor, your spouse, your best friend. Talk about your feelings don't let them get bottled up.
6) If you need to, talk to a doctor about an anti-depressant. Treat this as you would any physical illness.
7) Don't isolate yourself or cut your friends off.
8) Get out of the house. Get fresh air.
9) Get some form of exercise.
10) Don't lose hope and whatever you do, DO NOT END IT.

If someone you know is depressed-

The message here is simple.  Don't try to fix everything, because you can't. It will be frustrating, but try and be patient.  Have compassion, be loving, and be kind. Try not to be judgmental.  Most of all, listen.

"Trust in God.  Hold on in His love.  Know that one day the dawn will break brightly and all shadows of mortality will flee.  Though we may feel we are "like a broken vessel," as the Psalmist says, we must remember, that vessel is in the hands of the divine potter.  Broken minds can be healed just the way broken bones and broken hearts are healed.  While God is at work making those repairs, the rest of us can help by being merciful, nonjudgmental, and kind."- Jeffrey R. Holland

--To my wonderful family, husband, and friends.  Thank you for always having compassion and loving me unconditionally. xoxo