Listen I know the pain feels like its too much to bear. I know the anxiety rests heavy on your chest and you can barely catch your breath through all of the tears. I know it seems like you are all alone, and noone understands what you are going through. I know you are doubting your abilities to be a mother right now and wondering how you will take care of this little human inside of you, when you can barely take care of yourself. I see you, I hear you, I was you at one time.
This too shall pass... It will, I promise it really will. If you feel like you are at rock bottom right now, it can only get better. It might not get better this minute, or even tomorrow, but it will get better. It can only get better. You must find that little piece of hope and cling to it. YOU are important and YOU are loved. God chose YOU to be the mother of this most precious human life growing inside of you. YOU can offer something to this child that noone else in the world can. Trust me on this one. You are special. I think you are special.
In the last month of starting this blog, so many of you sweet expecting mommas have reached out to me in a private message. I can't even express or put into words, the special place in my heart I have for you. If I could, if it was humanly possible, I would take away all your pain. It breaks my heart that you too, have to endure some of the same demons. But I need you to be aware of something. Be not only aware of your worth, but also be aware of the moment. Be aware of the situation.
You might wonder what I mean by that, so let me explain. It took 32 years to get a proper diagnosis for OCD. I can't tell you how many doctors missed the mark. You see, OCD even if it has always been around for you, can go through phases. If you do your research, in almost every book it will tell you that OCD tends to spike during life altering events. (Death of a loved one, pregnancy, severe illness of a loved one, etc.) So be aware that if you are pregnant even if its for the fifth time, this is a life altering event.
When I was 26 years old I got engaged. During that engagement although it was quick, I experienced some of the worst anxiety brought on by OCD I had ever experienced up until I was pregnant with my first. You see getting engaged was a huge milestone for me, for anyone for that matter. Before he even put the ring on my finger, my heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest. (And not in a good way.) All of a sudden my entire life flashed before my eyes. I became so obssessed with every tiny detail. I remember the night before we actually got engaged I had a huge panic attack. I can't really explain what I felt, but I just became obsessed with this notion that I wasn't worthy enough to be loved or to be a wife. Every little mistake I had ever made flashed through my mind as if I was watching it on the big screen. But here is the catch, I had lived such a great life thus far. Of course noone is perfect, but I really was a good person. I knew that too, but the OCD just shouted at me otherwise. That night I just broke down in tears to my fiance, and I know for a fact it completely overwhelmed him. At that point, my eating disorder took center stage. For the next few months my weight plummeted. (I was only 110 lbs to start and ended up somewhere around 88-90 lbs at my lowest). I couldn't control the thoughts of failure in my head, but I could control how many calories I ate, how many miles I ran, and the size of my clothes. This behavior ended up driving my fiance away. He ended up pushing the wedding date back after plane tickets were already bought. And then after changing the date again, he still couldn't commit. At that point, I knew he didn't want to marry me and I gave the ring back. It was hell. It was the worst pain I had ever felt. My health continued to get worse and shortly after I was admitted to an eating disorder clinic in Salt Lake City, where once again I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety.
Fast forward two years later, and I was engaged a second time to the love of my life. My husband of almost eight years and father to our two beautiful children. Being married to Chris was the best decision I have ever made. He was such a positive influence on my eating habits and I finally learned how to kick the anorexia. I still continued to experience OCD some times worse than others, but the worst had not hit us yet. It wasn't until I was pregnant with our first, that I honestly thought I was losing my mind. The thoughts just wouldn't stop racing. No matter what I did, I could not turn my brain off. I was starting my third trimester and only sleeping about two hours a night. I would lay in bed and ruminate for hours on end. I just wanted to rip my hair out and jump out of my skin. Even if I did fall asleep, the minute I would wake up I was right back in the OCD episode. Do you know how annoying and frustrating it is to think the same thing over and over and over and over again? Especially when it causes such distress? Do you know how frustrating it is to see all of your other pregnant friends glowing and just enjoying the moment and then you look in the mirror at yourself? Well, of course you do. Because you my sweet friends are just like me. I feel your anxiety and I feel your hopeless pain. I know it seems like it will never end and that you will never feel 'normal' again. I know it feels as if you have been thrown into the depths of hell and you will never get out. I get it. I really do. However, I am living proof that you CAN and WILL get out. Just promise me that you will hang on. Find that little piece of hope and cling to it with every ounce of energy you have. If you can find hope you can find peace. You will get through this and it will get better...and guess what? You will have the best reward that you could ever hope for when you are holding that sweet baby of yours in your arms. You will look at that innocent face and know that it was all worth it. Every tear, every panic attack, every sleepless night... You will love that child so much, that you would go through it all over again. <3
