Everything that has happened TO you, has happened FOR you.

Do you ever come back from a trip or an event and feel completely rejuvenated? Refreshed? Re-energized?

I just got back from almost five days (kid free) at Beachbody Summit in Nashville, and also from seeing some of my family that lives there.

I can’t even tell you how much I needed that. I LOVE being a momma, and I missed my kids something FIERCE, but sometimes it’s hard. Sometimes the stress of caring for two little people, a husband, keeping up a house, laundry, dishes, working from home, potty training, teething, it can all be slightly overwhelming and exhausting.

It was such a nice opportunity for me to reconnect with myself and work on becoming a better person. Because honestly, that is what I did. That is why I love this company…they truly want each one of us to become the best versions of ourselves. Not just on the outside and being healthy, but starting from the inside.

I learned about how to better my relationship with my spouse from none other than Chalene Johnson, how to make my WHY become bigger than my fear, how to empower others, and how life is about truly finding the next right answer. So many things begin to change in our lives, when we come at it from the idea that there is more than one right answer.

Once we stop focusing on what is WRONG with a situation and instead focus on and celebrate what is RIGHT, things truly start to fall into place.

I was reminded once again, that everything that has happened TO ME, has happened FOR ME. Every tear, every battle with OCD, every day locked in my room my freshmen year of college when the depression was so great I couldn’t even go to class, every time I starved myself…it was ALL for my good.

You see we don’t really learn in the good times. We learn after we go through something that truly teaches us. Something that challenges us and makes us dig deep. Those are the times we should really be grateful for.

I know it is hard if you are currently down in the trenches right now, I do…I promise, I have been there. I know when I am going through a trial it is hard to be thankful in that moment that I am suffering.

But just know that one day you will get through it and you will learn a valuable lesson. It will make you a stronger person and give you tools that you could have never received any other way. Your heart will be opened to help other people and your empathy will grow ten fold.

You can do hard things. Take a minute to take a deep breathe and thank God for your trials. You got this!!!!

Let it go....

Don't hate me, but I didn't LOVE the movie Frozen. It's a cute movie yes, but I think by the time I saw it, it had been so hyped up, that it was almost kind of a let down. Sorry Elsa, you just didn't do it for me.

 Also that song. That annoying Let it Go song was EVERYWHERE. At the mall, grocery store, on tv, people would post videos of their kids singining it, heck my son was even singing it, and he had never even seen the movie!!!

With that being said, it does have a great message, even though it became like nails on a chalkboard. "Let it go." I think as an adult especially in the last 10 years, I have learned more than ever that sometimes you just have to pick your battles. Sometimes you have to just let it freaking go, even when your brain doesn't want to. Even if you think about the same scenerio and from every single angle, or shoulda coulda woulda, over and over, and over again. At some point you have to free yourself and your sanity and let it go.

One of my favorite sayings is sometimes its more important to be nice, than to be right. Which I think is hard for anyone with a pulse. We are human. We like to be right. Who is anyone else to tell us that we are wrong? How dare them?

I will admit, I get caught up in that cycle. But I have noticed that once I really let the situation lie, and get my panties out of a wad, I usually have a change of heart. Sometimes I realize that maybe I was the one wrong, or out of line, or that maybe I wasn't, but at the end of the day it just doesn't matter to me anymore. That at the end of the day, sometimes we just have to put our pride aside and humble ourselves. That sometimes its best to just say we are sorry, even if we don't want to or don't think we need to.

 I think in order to really enjoy life, we can't hold on to grudges or unkind feelings.
We also have to let things go that aren't good for us. Maybe its your self-talk. Maybe you are too hard on yourself emotionally because you didn't get that promotion, or you aren't as skinny as you want to be, or as rich as you want to be, etc. I think so often we focus on what we don't have, instead of what we do have.

I am grateful for all these hard experiences in life. Although they usually suck when I am going through them, I usually always find something positive in the end. This week has been rough. Physically and emotionally. If you know me personally, then you probably know that I had surgery on Monday and then my mom was admitted to the ICU the next day.

Life is fragile. We always need to be cognizant of that fact in our interactions with those we love- or even those brothers and sisters that we don't know. We don't know if the last time we talk to a family member will actually really be the last. When we have disagreements with people, we sure don't want that to be the last conversation we ever have with them.

Are we always going to handle every situation perfectly? No. However, just like anything else in life, it is the manner in which we pick ourselves up after the fact, that truly matters.  I know for certain, that I am not a perfect persona and I have A LOT to improve on. But I'm trying. We just gotta take it one day at a time and love each other. As cheesy as that sounds, that is what will bring us the most peace and happiness internally. We don't need to hold on to unnecessary baggage and pain. It's not worth it. Let it go. Love yourself. Love other people. We have no idea what another person is going through or struggling with. We just have to be nice. Period. And if we aren't nice, then we need to fix it. It's that simple.

How anxiety did a number on my physical health...

I have been awful about my blog lately!! So here we go--- let's try to resurrect this sucker!

So tomorrow I have quite a big surgery. It's oral surgery, but it's surgery nonetheless. As you can imagine, my anxiety is off the hook. I am getting 6 teeth extracted, bone grafting surgery, & implants drilled into my bone while AWAKE. Yes, you read that correctly. Why I didn't opt for IV sedation is beyond me, but I thought after 2 c-sections I could handle anything awake. :)

I mean I have had A LOT of dental work in my time (thank goodness my Dad is a retired dentist) but nothing like what I am going to experience tomorrow.

It's funny, well actually it's not at all, but our parents are always right. We should listen to them more often. Heck, I should have listened to my dad! He told me back in my early twenties, that if I didn't get a grip on my personal health, that this would all happen. (AKA my procedures tomorrow)

Well, shoulda coulda woulda, but it's too late. So all I can do is more forward.

So here's the deal. I know I preach this all the time, but your mental health and physical health are 100% intertwined with each other. If you feel like crap mentally, then your physical health gets pushed to the back burner.

If you feel like crap physically (out of shape, overweight, high blood pressure, etc) then it can make you unhappy, increase your anxiety, and could ultimately lead to depression.

It's all about balance between the two. You have to put just as much focus on one, as you do the other.

For those of you who are new to my blog, let me catch you up a bit. I grew up in a great family with lots of love. However, I was already predisposed to depression and severe anxiety because of genetics.

When I was 18 I moved away from home and went to college out of state. I knew no one, but was fortunate enough to have an older brother live close by. To make a long story short, my mom said I went from being a big fish in a little sea, to a little fish in a big sea, when I moved away from home.

In high school, I was very outgoing and bubbly. I was an All-American cheerleader, dancer,  student council rep, one of three Oklahoma Girls State representatives, Girls State Treasurer, and very active in my church callings. I always had a smile on my face, and was friends with everyone. I honestly had no enemies and did not discriminate.

Even though I came from a pretty well-off family, I wasn't one to be stuck up or think I was ever better than someone else. I wasn't your typical cheerleader either. I would go home after games on Friday nights and bake cookies with two of my girlfriends. I never snuck out and never got grounded.

Over all, I was just a good, happy, straight laced kid.

The biggest thing was that I was ALWAYS happy. I didn't know any different. Even though I had watched my own mother struggle with horrible depression since I was a young child, I didn't really understand it.

She was a great mom, loving, self-less, beautiful, and everything I aspired to be. At that young of an age, I couldn't comprehend how or what she went through in her own mind.

When I moved away to go to college the summer of 1997, everything changed. What should have been the happiest and most exciting time of my life, was anything but that.

I was homesick, scared, lonely, and became fixated on my body. By body, I mean what I ate, more importantly what I didn't eat, working out, losing weight, etc.

I go into more detail about this in earlier blog posts, but that is when anorexia became a big part of my life.

As I went through college and even after graduation into my mid-twenties, I struggled with anorexia, bulimia, anxiety, and depression. I experienced my first experience with depression and almost had to drop out of college on a couple of occasions.

I was paralyzed mentally. I wasn't quite sure what was happening to me, but I was not the girl that I had always known. The once optimistic and bubbly girl, had turned into a sad, hopeless, recluse. I had a hard time getting out of bed, being around others, going to class, taking a shower, etc. I didn't know how to be a member of society anymore. I know that sounds kind of dramatic, but that is the only way I know how to put it.

After about 10 years of being actively involved in my eating disorder, several bouts with depression, an eating disorder clinic, various counselors, anti-depressants, etc- I was only diagnosed with general anxiety, an obvious eating disorder, and severe depression.

However, it wasn't until I was pregnant with our first in 2011, that I was diagnosed with the root of all of these. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. It took all of those experiences, and me hitting absolute rock bottom, for a psychiatrist to actually get my diagnosis right.

I still thank the good Lord for that doctor. What was the hardest time of my life, was actually the start of the rest of my life. You see, you can't really treat or address a problem, if you don't  know what the problem is in the first place. How do you fix something, if you don't what you are trying to fix?? It's impossible.

The point I am trying to make is this. I was so caught up in my mind/OCD/anxiety/eating disorder/depression, that I completely neglected my physical health. Even though I was working out, it didn't matter. Too much of a good thing can be awful for you! Especially if you aren't getting proper nutrition, your body is starving for calories, and you aren't keeping anything down that you do eat.

I was sad, anxious, depressed, and just trying to control anything that I could.  For me personally, it manifested itself in my physical appearance, my nutrition or lack there of, etc.

What I didn't know, was that ALL OF THIS, was being fueled by OCD. I had struggled with OCD since as early as I can remember. Probably 5 or 6.

However, I had no clue. OCD is one of those things that is so misunderstood. People think that if you have OCD that you constantly have to wash your hands, or lock doors. Yes, I did experience both of those things, but my OCD was mainly in my mind with ruminating.

It caused such awful anxiety, that I would do whatever I could to try and relieve it. Thus, my eating disorder was my biggest coping mechanism.

Well that eating disorder, wreaked havoc on my physical health. At 35 I already have osteoperosis and have done so much damage to my teeth.

So let this be a lesson to you, all of you, that you have to take care of your body & your physical health. You have to take care of your mental health. You truly cannot be healthy, if you don't address them together as one.

Don't wait until it is too late. Don't wait until tomorrow or the next day.

Do it today.

You are worth it.

Your family is worth it.

If you need help, then get it. Create the balance you need in your life to truly be happy. It is possible, and I am living proof.

You got this.

PS- This was taken right before #2 was born last October. This picture to me, represents happiness, strength, resilience, love, excellent health, & hope. <3

Much love,
Lyndsee

PERFECTIONISM- GAG!!!!

Ok, let's talk perfectionism today. Perfectionism is a bitch. No other way to describe it.

It is one of my worst qualities and something I have struggld with severely my entire life.

Why are we so dang hard on ourselves? Do you realize that you are 200% always harder on yourself than you are on other people? We are our own worst critics.

When you are constantly trying to be PERFECT it is severely self-depricating and self-destructive. I'm not saying to not try your best to live a good life, but there is a fine line between trying your best and trying to be the best.

When we focus on perfection something ugly rears its head.  It is a monster filled with negataive self talk, self-hatred, depression, anxiety, and a never ending feeling that you just can't measure up.

Listen I get it. It's so easy to compare yourself to the mom you see at church, or your best friend, your co-worker, your siblings, but it is such a bad habit. When we compare it steals away our joy. When we compare it will never make you feel good enough, smart enough, pretty enough.

So stop comparing!  Stop beating yourself up!  Instead of focusing on all your flaws, focus on the things that you do right. Focus on your strength and your individual qualities.

Stop the perfectionism trap. It will make you miserable and get you absolutely nowhere.  Stop with the 'what ifs'. You don't have to be perfect, you just need to try your best. You will make mistakes and that's okay. Dust yourself off, try again, and let God pick up the rest.

xo,
Lyndsee

AUTHENTIC ALLIES

Authentic: (adjective)
Definition of: Real or genuine, not copied or false, true and accurate.

Allies: (plural of Ally)
Definition of: A person or group that gives help to another person or group. Supporter of another person or group.

I'm sure most of you have heard the quote before, "You become like the 5 people you spend the most time with. Choose carefully."

Take a second to do a mental inventory of the five people you spend the majority of your time with.   Do you feel that these people are positive or negative influences in your life?

Now that you know who these 5 people are, do you feel like they are your 'Authentic Allies.' Do they know everything about you and still accept you? Do they lift you up when you are down? Are they honest with you or fake with you? Do they really have your back, or do they just say they have your back? Do they love you unconditionally? Would they stand up for you if someone hurt your feelings? Do they include you?  Do they support your dreams and goals? Do they push you to be the best version of yourself? Do they make you feel at peace when you are around them, or do they make you feel anxious instead?

Think about it.  Think about who you let in your inner-circle.  You are important.  You deserve to be lifted up and loved. If there are people in your life that do not bring out the best in you, or make you feel less than you are. Cut them loose. Move ON.

 I guarentee you there are plenty of people out there that truly do love you and care about you. Flaws and all. Chosse your circle carefully.

Find your Authentic Allies and cling to them. Be good to them. Lift them up. Let them know of their self-worth. Be honest with them. Be kind. Listen to them. Love them. I can't ever over-emphasize the importance of just being kind & being a friend to someone.There is too much ugly and negativity in this world. Don't be that. Don't go there. Don't judge. Be someone's light. Be someone's reason to laugh, to smile, to hold on. Just be genuine.

"If we are not making someone else's life better, than we are wasting our time."

"Everyone you meet is fighting a battle, that you know nothing about."

WHAT IF? (2 little words)

What if I wasn't breathing right?  I mean I was breathing and tried to take deep breaths, but I didn't have the right feeling when I was breathing??? Oh gosh, I gotta figure out how to fix this? How do I fix this? Is there a proper way to breathe? I can't handle if I didn't do it right. Rapid heartbeat and flushed cheeks.

What if I wasn't holding the pacifier at the right angle? I'm a bad mother now. Oh crap, but I try so hard. I love my children so much.  I'm a failure. How do I fix this? I can't handle this anxiety.

What if that dose of medicine I missed by twenty minutes gave my kid cancer? I need to research acid refulx. No, don't research acid reflux, don't do it, don't do it. It says severe cases can cause cancer. I gave my child cancer. This can't be happening. I can't breathe. How could I possibly have given my kid cancer? This isn't rational Lyndsee, calm down. But the internet said...I need to go the pediatricians office now and tell them what happened. You can't. They will think you are crazy. This isn't rational, but what if it is? What if my kid is sick? I can't breathe. I'm a horrible parent. How could I forget that dose by twenty minutes. I'm a failure. Runs to pediatricians office in complete panic and crys in the waiting room.

What if that donut is going to make me gain ten lbs tonightut? No that isn't possible. I must get to the gym, but it's 2 in the morning and I have to work at 7. It doesn't matter you have to go. But a donut can't make you gain 10 lbs over night, but what if it does? What if your jeans won't fit and you don't have anything to wear to work. You have to go to the gym. But it's 2 am, I need sleep. You are going to regret this in the morning. Why can everyone else eat and not feel guilty? I didn't do anything wrong. Yes you did. Massive anxiety. Gets in the car and goes to gym at 2 am.

What if I didn't tell that story right and I left out a connecting word? Who cares, its a dumb word. But it matters. If you don't re-tell the story then you are a liar. But I'm not. I'm an honest person. But you have to retell it and get it right. Well what is right? How do I know? Well it will feel right. (Re-tells the story twenty times and can't explain to the other person why they keep repeating themself. Other person is totally annoyed and tells you they have heard the story thirty times.) Massive embarresment, still trying to figure out in mind if the last version was told correctly. Thinks about it the rest of the day.

What if that car would have hit me? What if I would have been a few feet over? So what? Why does that matter? I am fine and I am safe. Nothing happened. But what if it did? What if I got in a really bad accident and somehow it was my fault? What if someone got hurt? What if I got hurt? What if they have to call an ambulence and my parents find out? What if they are worried? I dont want them to worry. I can't breath. I am fine. Looks around and realize nothing happened. But what if it did? Worries about it the rest of the day.

What if someone slips at the pool because I got extra water on the floor in the bathrooom? I better stay and wipe that up until I know its dry.  But I have been wiping for thirty minutes? There is no water left on the ground. Well I better make sure. If someone slips and hurts themself then it is my fault. But it's dry I can see and feel its dry. Am I sure? What if I missed a spot? People keep walking in and looking at me. I feel so stupid. I have got to stop. But I can't.

What if that homework assignment I had extra help on made me a cheater? But I didn't cheat? This was 15 years ago, I was in high school. I just had someone help me. Well what if they pulled more of the load? But I did my best. But if I didn't then my homework isn't technically mine and I shouldn't have a diploma. But it's my high school diploma? If I didn't graduate high school then I am going to have to call my college and tell them. I am going to have to get my college diploma back too. How is this happening? This can't be happening? I'm going to lose my job. I'm going to lose my insurance. I gotta go tell my boss. They are going to think I'm crazy. I  have a baby on the way. This can't be happening.

THIS is what it used to be like in my mind.  This is how I used to live on a minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, month by month basis. It was exhausting.

Actually, sitting here right now and reading all these I can't believe how far I have come and how bad my OCD was at one time.  I couldn't focus, sleep, enjoy my normal activities, or anything without constantly asking 'what if' questions.  Even if I knew they didn't make sense, I still felt this over-heightened responsibility to figure everything out. I was one hot mess.

I mean how does one figure things out, that can't be figured out in the first place. Talk about anxiety provoking!  It's like a damn crossword puzzle you can't ever find the answers to.  I mean who wrote the manual on breathing? How do you know if you are doing it wrong? It's a natural function. Seriously I felt like a walking and talking ball of stress. How do you explain to your husband that you had a rough day because you didn't breath right?!  I can't even!!! I am sitting here cracking up right now.  Not that its funny, but in some ways it is. Seriously, HOT MESS!

If you are struggling with OCD, then you need to label the thoughts for what they are.  You need to recognize the pattern that you feel everytime. The what if scenerios, the pain in your chest, the rapid heartrate, the pit in your stomach, sweat palms, and anxiety that just builds and builds.

Treat every OCD thought and episode the same, even if some produce more anxiety than others. Learn to sit with it. Don't try to avoid the pain or anxiety. Let it bet there and remind yourself that these thoughts don't matter!  They are irrelevant.

Seriously, get up and go for a run. Get outside. Turn on Jeopardy. Watch the Kardashians and make fun of Kim's whiny cry, do anything but sit there and stew over nonsense. I know it feels real and it sure doesn't feel like non-sense, but I can promise you that it is.

It's mother trucking nonsense!

Now that I am better, I can say that my thoughts center around when is my next cheat day and when do I get my next donut. Oh how far I have come. :)

Hang in there! Keep fighting. Don't be a hot mess like me. And just think.. you will have some great stories to tell you grandkids someday. They will be like "Grandma, why were you such a weirdo?!" Well dear, I just was. Now go practice your breathing. You're doing it wrong. ;)

How am I going to handle the challenges of the day?

Last weekend we went on our first vacay as a family of four, and now I need a vacay from my vacay.  Isn't that ironic? No really, it was alot of fun, but sleeping in hotels is totally different now that we have two kids under the age of three.  The days of the nice black out curtains, sleeping in, and ordering room service are long gone.  But you know what? I wouldn't change a thing!  Memories were made that will last a lifetime, even if I am too tired to remember them. :)

With that being said, we pulled back into our driveway Sunday night and when I woke up Monday, the anxiety sat in.  I stood there and stared at the piles of laundry, bags that needed unpacking, groceries that needed to be bought, dishes that needed to be washed, and the to do list just kept on growing. I could feel the anxiety and panic growing in my chest and honestly didn't even know where to start.  On top of that, I was completely exhausted.

I think so many times as mommas, we forget to put ourselves in the equation.  One thing that has really helped decrease my anxiety has been working out.  Even for just thirty minutes a day.  My friends ask me, how do you have time? Well, I don't necessarily have it, but I make it.  It is a non-negotiable.  I am a better mom, more patient, a better wife, more productive, if I take thirty minutes out for me to workout in our basement each morning.  Well guess what, yesterday I didn't make that time.  I felt more irratible yesterday and anxious than I had in a while.  I know how crucial that thirty minutes is for me.  The natural endorphins it gives me and the extra energy to meet an already overly demanding schedule.
So as you read this article, think about what you can do to give yourselves thirty minutes everyday.  I can guarantee you, if you are an anxious person this will really help improve your mood.  As moms, we have to take care of ourselves.  If we don't do it, then noone else will. Our little people depend on us.  Our husbands depend on us.  And you deserve that time to reconnect and focus on your physical health.  In return you are automically helping your mental health.  Have a great Tuesday Friends.  Love yourself today. You are worth it. :)

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/exercise-and-mood/201110/exercise-anxiety?destination=blog%2Fexercise-and-mood%2F201110%2Fexercise-anxiety

To all of my pregnant mommas with OCD....

Listen I know the pain feels like its too much to bear.  I know the anxiety rests heavy on your chest and you can barely catch your breath through all of the tears.  I know it seems like you are all alone, and noone understands what you are going through. I know you are doubting your abilities to be a mother right now and wondering how you will take care of this little human inside of you, when you can barely take care of yourself. I see you, I hear you, I was you at one time. 

This too shall pass... It will, I promise it really will.  If you feel like you are at rock bottom right now, it can only get better.  It might not get better this minute, or even tomorrow, but it will get better.  It can only get better.  You must find that little piece of hope and cling to it.  YOU are important and YOU are loved.  God chose YOU to be the mother of this most precious human life growing inside of you.  YOU can offer something to this child that noone else in the world can.  Trust me on this one. You are special.  I think you are special. 

In the last month of starting this blog, so many of you sweet expecting mommas have reached out to me in a private message.  I can't even express or put into words, the special place in my heart I have for you.  If I could, if it was humanly possible, I would take away all your pain.  It breaks my heart that you too, have to endure some of the same demons.  But I need you to be aware of something.  Be not only aware of your worth, but also be aware of the moment.  Be aware of the situation.

You might wonder what I mean by that, so let me explain.  It took 32 years to get a proper diagnosis for OCD.  I can't tell you how many doctors missed the mark.  You see, OCD even if it has always been around for you, can go through phases. If you do your research, in almost every book it will tell you that OCD tends to spike during life altering events. (Death of a loved one, pregnancy, severe illness of a loved one, etc.) So be aware that if you are pregnant even if its for the fifth time, this is a life altering event. 

When I was 26 years old I got engaged.  During that engagement although it was quick, I experienced some of the worst anxiety brought on by OCD I had ever experienced up until I was pregnant with my first.  You see getting engaged was a huge milestone for me, for anyone for that matter.  Before he even put the ring on my finger, my heart felt like it was going to beat out of  my chest.  (And not in a good way.) All of a sudden my entire life flashed before my eyes.  I became so obssessed with every tiny detail. I remember the night before we actually got engaged I had a huge panic attack.  I can't really explain what I felt, but I just became obsessed with this notion that  I wasn't worthy enough to be loved or to be a wife. Every little mistake I had ever  made flashed through my mind as if I was watching it on the big screen.  But here is the catch, I had lived such a great life thus far.  Of course noone is perfect, but I really was a good person. I knew that too, but the OCD just shouted at me otherwise.  That night I just broke down in tears to my fiance, and I know for a fact it completely overwhelmed him. At that point, my eating disorder took center stage.  For the next few months my weight plummeted.  (I was only 110 lbs to start and ended up somewhere around 88-90 lbs at my lowest). I couldn't control the thoughts of failure in my head, but I could control how many calories I ate, how many miles I ran, and the size of my clothes.  This behavior ended up driving my fiance away.  He ended up pushing the wedding date back after plane tickets were already bought.  And then after changing the date again, he still couldn't commit.  At that point, I knew he didn't want to marry me and I gave the ring back. It was hell. It was the worst pain I had ever felt. My health continued to get worse and shortly after I was admitted to an eating disorder clinic in Salt Lake City, where once again I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety.

Fast forward two years later, and I was engaged a second time to the love of my life. My husband of almost eight years and father to our two beautiful children.  Being married to Chris was the best decision I have ever made.  He was such a positive influence on my eating habits and I finally learned how to kick the anorexia. I still continued to experience OCD some times worse than others, but the worst had not hit us yet.  It wasn't until I was pregnant with our first, that I honestly thought I was losing my mind.  The thoughts just wouldn't stop racing. No matter what I did, I could not turn my brain off. I was starting my third trimester and only sleeping about two hours a night.  I would lay in bed and ruminate for hours on end. I just wanted to rip my hair out and jump out of my skin. Even if I did fall asleep, the minute I would wake up I was right back in the OCD episode.  Do you know how annoying and frustrating it is to think the same thing over and over and over and over again? Especially when it causes such distress? Do you know how frustrating it is to see all of your other pregnant friends glowing and just enjoying the moment and then you look in the mirror at yourself? Well, of course you do. Because you my sweet friends are just like me.  I feel your anxiety and I feel your hopeless pain.  I know it seems like it will never end and that you will never feel 'normal' again.  I know it feels as if you have been thrown into the depths of hell and you will never get out.  I get it. I really do. However, I am living proof that you CAN and WILL get out.  Just promise me that you will hang on.  Find that little piece of hope and cling to it with every ounce of energy you have.  If you can find hope you can find peace. You will get through this and it will get better...and guess what? You will have the best reward that you could ever hope for when you are holding that sweet baby of yours in your arms.  You will look at that innocent face and know that it was all worth it.  Every tear, every panic attack, every sleepless night... You will love that child so much, that you would go through it all over again. <3

So what is OCD like for you anyway?

Ever since I was diagnosed with OCD and more importantly started talking about I have had alot of people ask me what OCD is like for me? I mean they don't see me constantly checking locks or washing my hands over and over.  Most of my OCD occurs completely in my own mind.  The obsession and compulsion.  Let me explain:

I remember as early as 5 years old laying in my bed with horrible anxiety.  You see earlier that day I had overheard some people talking at the store when I was out with my mom.  I couldn't rembember exactly what they had said, nor did it even matter- but I was still wracking my brains out trying to figure out all the details.  The anxiety of not remembering exactly every detail was so great that I got an awful stomach ache.  Not knowing I was actually having the start of a panic attack, I went into my parents room and asked for some stomach medicine.  They then tucked me back in and off to my own world of anxiety I went.  What did those people say? What if I can't remember and I really need to know? What if by not remembering something horrible is going to happen to me and my family. What if? What if? What if? The anxiety I felt even as a innocent 5 year old still brings a pit to my stomach.

You see they call OCD the doubting disease.  It makes you doubt everything you think and everything you know.  OCD and uncertainity do not mesh well together.  That uncertainty fuels the OCD thoughts and compulsions.  Now with the example above, you are probably wondering what the compulsion was.  The obsession was that if I didn't figure out what was said, that something bad would happen to me and my family.  The compulsion end of it was non-stop mental rumination.  Rumination is where you go over and over things, events, thoughts, etc in your head- almost trying to figure out some puzzle.   The catchy part is it's a puzzle that can never be solved. So instead you spend hours, days, sometimes months trying to figure things out in your mind.  You do this because you are trying to neturalize and reduce the level of anxiety.  Very similar to an OCD person that feels that their hands are too dirty , so they continue to wash and wash to diminish the anxiety until things feel just right.

Another example I have is from middle school.  Another part of OCD is saying or repeating things until it feels 'just right' in order to keep bad things from happening.  I remember hanging out with one of my best friends and I was trying to tell her a story about something.  I kept repeating and repeating.  If I felt like I left out a word or didn't phrase it correctly, I would have to restart the entire story over again from the beginning.  She finally said, "Lyndsee.... Stop!!!! You have now told me this like 5 or 6 different times" When she said that, I remember being so embaressed.  I knew I had told the story a gazillion times and I couldn't explain why even to myself, but I had to keep repeating it until I felt like it was told correctly- otherwise my anxiety would not go away.

Last example, also in Middle School.  I remember kids at school talking about how Stillwater was now becoming infested with gangs from the Crips and the Bloods.  This terrified me.  It caused so much anxiety that every day for the next three weeks it was all I could think about.  That these gangs were going to kill me and my family.  It was the worst thought and no matter what I did I could not get it out of my head.  It was at that point, that I became a compulsive door locker.  We lived in a pretty big house and I would spend up to 45 minutes locking, relocking, locking, relocking, and checking every single door- sometimes up to 100 times each every single night. Once I had finished that daunting task it would make the anxiety go away...at least for a little bit.

Now I could tell you a thousand stories, but I will spare you the craziness.  :) Point is this.  OCD obsessions usually center around things and values/morals you hold dearest.  So for me mine always center around health and safety of my kids & husband.  Although obsessions can be different for everyone, it is important to remember that just because it is an obsession doesn't mean they agree with it, when in fact it is the complete opposite

"Having Compassion One of Another..."

I think one of the most beautiful scriptures in the Bible, is 1 Peter 3:8- "Finally, be ye all of one mind, having compassion one of another, love as brethren, be pitiful, be courteous."

In one of my favorite talks given by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, he speaks about how to best respond when mental or emotional challenges confront you or someone you love.  He goes on to say how no matter what the mental disorder may be, whether it is depression, anxiety, OCD, bipolarity, a chromosonal defect, schizophrenia, etc- that as bewildering as these might be that these are the realities of mortal life. That because of these realities there should be no more shame in acknowledging them than in acknowledging a battle with high blood pressure or the sudden apparence of a malignant tumor. 

Honestly, I coudln't agree more with this statement. Why is it so hard to admit that we might struggle emotionally when we can so easily admit when we have a physical ailment? I think for most people, including myself its humility. Our society has given such a stigma to mental illness.  That if you struggle from any form of it, you are a freak, not a good person, unloveable, defective, unsuccessful, unable to contribute to society, and the list goes on and on.  This really couldn't be further from the truth.  Some of the most successful, loving, and funny people I know have struggled with mental illness.  Most of them depression.  There should be no shame in any of this.  People should not be afraid to seek help or get on medication just because society shames them.

The first time I struggled with depression was when I was a freshmen at BYU.  Growing up in a small Oklahoma town, my mom said I went from being a big fish in a little sea, to a little fish in a big sea.  Which I guess there is some truth to that, but I think mainly depression was just genetic for me.  It runs in my family and it is something that I have watched my mom suffer from my entire life.  I didn't always understand it growing up, nor did I have the type of compassion for her that I do now, but she is my best friend, my biggest supporter, and understands me better than anyone. My heart breaks for her that she has struggled with this demon as well.

 You see depression isn't just like a bad hair day, or tax season approaching, or not getting picked for the cheerleading team.  Depression is dark, it is endless, it is lonely, and it is completely debilitating.  When I first started experiencing depression during summer school at BYU, I honestly didn't know what was going on.  Being a very social person that likes to laugh and make others laugh, I started to become completely withdrawn.  Again most of this was tied to my OCD (but remember I had not been diagnosed with that until I was 32... I was 18).  I had just moved to Provo and out of my parents house.  I had dated the same guy for the majority of my life thus far and had all of the same friends since elementary school.  So obviously I had some major changes all at once.  Changes that were exciting to most of the people I came across, but in so many ways they were terrifying with me.  Almost immediately I became severely anorexic.  (My main compulsion for my OCD at the time) I would average about 600 calories a day and I lived in the gym.  I remember walking across campus in the hot desert sun dying of thirst.  I was also restricting fluids and water, so I was completely dehydrated.  Once I reached my class I allowed myself three sips of water from the water fountain and each sip that I took made my anxiety rise. I lost 20 lbs my first full three weeks in Utah.  (I didn't have 20 lbs to lose, but had massive body dysmorphia- more about that later.)

The anoriexa, depression, and OCD continued to get worse and peaked during the fall and winter semesters.  I eventually got to a point where I was missing way more class than I was attending and would only leave my room to go to the bathroom or take a shower.  I basically cut everyone out of my life and lost interest in everything that made me happy.  My self esteem was at an all time low and I hated myself.  What made matters worse, was I really had no reason to be depressed.  I got into the college of my choice and had a very fortunate life.  That made me more depressed. The only thing I really threw myself into was my eating disorder.  It utterly consumed my every move. 

Now I could go on and on about woe is me, but I am honestly geting annoyed reliving all this crap.  The point is this.  Depression isn't something you or someone else can snap out of.  There is no magic spell or  Gennie that can save you.  It just is.  It sucks. Its hell. That is where compassion comes into play.  Whether you are the one that is depressed or it is your best friend, HAVE COMPASSION. 

If you are depressed-

1) Have Faith
2) Get on your knees
3) Remember that Christ died for us on the cross and took upon all of our pain, illness, and sin. He knows exactly what you are going through.
4) Seek Help.
5) Talk it out. Whether it be with  a counselor, your spouse, your best friend. Talk about your feelings don't let them get bottled up.
6) If you need to, talk to a doctor about an anti-depressant. Treat this as you would any physical illness.
7) Don't isolate yourself or cut your friends off.
8) Get out of the house. Get fresh air.
9) Get some form of exercise.
10) Don't lose hope and whatever you do, DO NOT END IT.

If someone you know is depressed-

The message here is simple.  Don't try to fix everything, because you can't. It will be frustrating, but try and be patient.  Have compassion, be loving, and be kind. Try not to be judgmental.  Most of all, listen.

"Trust in God.  Hold on in His love.  Know that one day the dawn will break brightly and all shadows of mortality will flee.  Though we may feel we are "like a broken vessel," as the Psalmist says, we must remember, that vessel is in the hands of the divine potter.  Broken minds can be healed just the way broken bones and broken hearts are healed.  While God is at work making those repairs, the rest of us can help by being merciful, nonjudgmental, and kind."- Jeffrey R. Holland

--To my wonderful family, husband, and friends.  Thank you for always having compassion and loving me unconditionally. xoxo

A little intro...

It's funny I actually wanted to name this blog "Stand Up and Fight", but my husband told me it was dumb and it sounded like a Women's Lib Movement. I just laughed and realized he was kinda right. I am all about equal rights for all, but this is definitely not a women's lib blog thats for sure! :) So to be honest, I don't even know where to start.  I feel like I have so many emotions on my mind and in my heart that I could seriously take this blog post in a thousand different directions.  I have so much I want to say, but I guess I just have to start somewhere. 

I like to view my life in two distinct parts.  The first would be from birth on up until December 17th, 2011 and then the rest would be everything after. That may sound weird, but I think sometimes we have something so profound happen, that it changes the way we think and feel about everything.  That is what happened to me.  I found out I was pregnant with our first on July 16th, 2011.  That was a pretty profound day as well.  Of course we were overyjoyed with happiness and I already knew that I loved that little growing baby inside of me more than anything on Earth.  On the flip side, the minute I found out I was pregnant I started experiencing an anxiety that I really can't describe.  Knowing that I was totally responsible for this tiny human inside of me was almost more than I could handle.  It was from that moment forward that my OCD really took control of the steering wheel, and the downward spiral began. 

By downward spiral, please know that being pregnant for me and knowing I was pregnant was the happiest, biggest blessing I could have ever hoped for!!!! We were ready to get pregnant and basically said ok let's start trying and bam we got pregnant! It happened so fast and I realized how greatly blessed we were to conceive almost immediately.  However, when this should have been the happiest time of my life, I started going into a deep depression almost from the moment we found out.

Now this really was no surprise to me, as I had been struggling with anxiety and depression since my freshmen year in college.  However, with the right medication I had managed to get in under control at least most of the time. I also knew I needed to slowly wean off of my medication in the first trimester, but I didn't listen and stopped cold turkey.  Stopping my meds so abruptly along with the pregnany hormones and intesne morning sickness, it was no wonder I was headed into a deep and dark depression that lasted for months. Which ironically made me even more depressed, because I felt like the biggest ungrateful brat. Here I was with a great husband, a great family, and a soon to be baby and I hated life. I hate even saying that I hated life, but I did.

There is so much to this story that I really can't type it all.  Nor do I really want to.  Even thinking about that time in my life raises my blood pressure. The pit in my stomach comes back and that awful feeling of anxiety that tightens your chest and makes your palms sweaty returns. So let me just put it this way, I have always always had obsessive compulsive disorder. What OCD is not, is someone that is overaly anal about being organized and having their hangers all in the right direction, color coding their closet, and counting over and over.  Yes, those may be compulsive behaviors- but true OCD is extrememly mental and you cannot see it happening to someone.  You may see the look on their face change, their composure change, it may seem like they are in a world of their own and when you look at them they see right through you.  OCD is scary.  OCD is time consuming and OCD is an anxiety driven monster that takes you through the depths of the burning flames of hell and back in your own mind.  OCD is hard to control, because it is technically your own mind doing this to you.  You are  in a war against yourself and your brain.  And believe me, that is one messed up war. 

As my pregnancy continued and the warm summer months turned into winter my OCD was slowly starting to take over my life.  I was averaging about two hours of sleep at night, because it had created horrible insomnia.  Imagine listening to a record that keeps skipping on a certain part... over and over and over again.  No matter what you do or how you try to fix it, take the record out, unplug the cord, throw the record player against the wall, drive over the record player with a semi, the record won't stop.  Now imagine that being your thoughts.  That you have this one distressing thought that you can't get out of your head.  You don't want it there, you don't agree, and you can't get it to leave. Whether or not you know that this thought is even rational doesn't matter, because you are completely sucked in.  You can't sleep, you have no appetite, taking a  shower, brushing your teeth, and changing your clothes are like running a marathon.  Getting to work without tears streaming down your face is the ultimate challenge.  Being able to be at work and be in the present moment is nearly impossible.  You see with OCD you are never "in the present moment." It is like that with depression as well.  You are always either stuck in the past or stuck in the future, but you are never just in the here and now.  One of the biggest tools I have learned when I am in an OCD epsidode as my doctor calls them or having a really anxious day, is to just stop. Stop what you are doing and look around.  Realize where you are, what you are doing, what your surroundings are, the time on the clock and the date on the calander.  Realize you are breathing and your heart is beating and that essentially everything really is okay.  If you can do that- even for five minutes- it helps snap you back into reality.  You may head right back into that deep dark hole again, but at least for five minutes. For those sweet beautiful five minutes, the sun is shining, the world is turning, and things are somewhat normal. In that little bit of normalcy you get a break... A break from your mind.

As December approprached, I was entering the third trimester of my pregnancy.  I had still been refusing to get back on a anti-depressant even at the advice of my doctor.  I went to work everyday and somehow by the grace of God got things done.  I know I wasn't the person that they hired or the co-worker my friends knew, but I got up, dressed up, and showed up.  This picture below is just a few days before I was admitted to the psychiatic unit at the hospital.  I still remember taking that picture.  I was in so much pain.  I was happy to be with my sweet husband and having dinner at one of our favorite resteraunts with our friends, but I truly and honestly had a pain that I cannot describe.  It didn't matter how many people I was with or how many people were at that resteraunt, I felt utterly and completely alone.  Alone in my mind, alone in my own personal hell.

That next week when I was at work, I basically just lost it.  I went in the bathroom stall and just sobbed.  Why was this happening to me? Why can't I just be normal? Why can't I just be happy and look like all the happy pregnant women in the magazines? Why can't I sleep? Why can't I turn my brain off? Why do these thoughts just keep coming? Why, why, why, why???? I just wanted to scream. In fact later that day I went to my parents house and just started screaming. I had panic attack after panic attack and just wanted to throw the towl in.  I didn't want to live like this any longer.  However, I knew that was not an option!!! I hated that I felt that way!!! I knew how much I loved that little baby growing inside of me and how much I loved my family and husband, that no matter how much I hated myself I had to keep on going.  That I couldn't give up and that somewhere, somehow, I had to find hope.  Even just a spec of hope would do, but that it was imperative that I find it, and that I find it fast.  At that moment I was rushed to the Emergency Room- I think they all thought I was in labor at first and oh how I wished I could tell them that was my reason for being there.  Instead I told them that I felt like I was literally going crazy. After a few hours in the emergecy room they had made plans to transfer me to the psychiatric unit at another hospital. I was scared, and tired, and overwhelmed, but I had completely hit rock bottom.  I knew this was something I had to do, not just for me, but for my baby, and my husband.  I knew that whatever was going on was definitely something I couldn't fix on my own and that I needed help.  I needed professional help.  I knew I had to get better so I could be the mom I  so desperately wanted to be and that this baby deserved.  And here we are at December 17th, 2011.  It was cold and storming outside.  We left the hospital in Stillwater and went back to our house for me to pack my bag.  Chris felt helpless and naturally as a man was frustrated he could not fix the situation.  We pulled into the hospital and he walked me upstairs.  I was terrified.  I had no idea what I was walking into. 

They buzzed us in the lock down unit and pretty much everything after that is a blur.  I remember how cold I was, and the feeeling of the cold floor on my feet when they had me take off my shoes.  I remember all these other people sitting in a lounge of some sort and all of the blank cement walls. I remember them taking me to this room that had plastic windows and nothing hanging from the walls. They took my phone away and Chris was escorted out.  I sat on my bed, in my tiny cold room, pregnant, gripping my legs, and the tears wouldn't stop falling down my face.  I was there for the next 4-5 days.  Although those were hands down the most difficult days of my entire life thus far, it was the best thing that ever happened to me.  For the very first time in my life, a Doctor finally got it right.  I finally got a diagnosis, a reason, and explanation for why I had felt a certain way for as long as I could remember.  I finally got a textbook answer and the doctor handed me a bunch of printed out papers with all this information about OCD.  As I sat there and listened to him and read the material, I felt such a huge sense of relief.  I was not alone, I wasn't going crazy, I was going to get better, and there was an actual psychological reason I was going through this expereince. 

That day my friends was the start of the rest of my life.  That day gave me hope.  It was a game changer. It was a true gift from God.  There was light again. I could see it, and I could feel it.  That dark hole was getting easier to crawl out of and I felt peace for the first time.  I felt contentment.  You see fear, depression, anxiety, and all of those other negative emotions are from the Adversary.  I believe in a God of love.  I believe that hope, peace, happiness, contentment, the lack of fear, but yet confidence for tomorrow is from Jesus Christ himself.  If you are not a religious person, I respect that...but a key part of my story and recovery is from my deeply rooted faith in God.  However, know this.  Know that there is always hope. There will always be hope.  If you feel like there is absolutely no hope left, dig for it. Ask for it. Beg for it.  Ask your friends and family to help you find hope.  Find a doctor, and get down on your knees.  Hope is the answer. Once you can find it, you can truly start to live again. And believe me this is one beatiful life and you DESERVE to live it.

It's time to Open My Heart

For those of you that know me, you know that my name is Lyndsee. For those of you that don't know me, well my name is still Lyndsee. Good joke right?!?  I am 35, happily married, have an almost 3 year old little boy, and an 11 week old little girl.  I love to laugh and at times say things that are probably inappropriate. My husband tells me that my filter is well, non-existent at times.  Oops!

I honestly wish I was starting a super fun fashion blog, doing amazing photoshoots, and getting freebies from Anthropologie and Makeup Forever, but unfortunately that is not the case.  And you know what? That is totally okay.  This is me. This is the raw me and although I love clothes, and shoes, and makeup, I also know that God has blessed me to go through some pretty tough things and given me a mouth that never shuts up, in hopes that I can help other people.  Before my son was born back in 2011 I started a blog to help others with eating disorders,anxiety, and depression,  but that was before I was actually diagnosed for the root cause of all of these.--OCD- Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.  Before I go off on too much of a tangent, I started that blog, got pregnant, and then never slept again. Just kidding, kind of. :)

In all honesty, I started that blog in the spring of 2011 and then found out I was pregnant in July of 2011.  It seems like the minute I got pregnant everything changed. (which is obvious, but my psychological state changed for sure.) It changed so much, to the point that I could barely function in daily life, let alone work on my blog. I took this next paragraph from www.maternalocd.org to go into greater detail.

"Until recently OCD in pregnancy and after having a baby had received very little research attention. However recent studies suggest that OCD is more common at this time than other times in life. Some people develop OCD for the first time either during pregnancy or afterwards, whilst others find that pre-existing symptoms worsen. This increase in the incidence of OCD is likely to be related to the fact that pregnancy and early parenthood is a time when moms are naturally focused on the safety of their developing child and feel particularly responsible for them. The normal stress and uncertainties of becoming a parent can also play a role."

For me, well as long as I can remember I have always always struggled with OCD.  I have memories dating back as early as five years old. I guess I was one of those people, where the pre-existing conditions worsen.  The awful thing about it was I never knew I had OCD. I didn't even know what OCD was until I was diagnosed during my pregnancy with Logan.  Now before I go on much further, I don't want anyone that is reading this, to think that I am trying to  glorify or brag about my experiences.  I mean lets be honest.  If we all lived in a perfect world, we would never let others know that we have struggled.  We would never admit that we have been depressed, anxious, recovered from anorexia/bulimia, have ADD, or struggle/ed with OCD on a daily basis.  We would just keep all that fun stuff a secret.  Which in reality, is what I want to do... But you know what? If it wasn't for some key people in my life (that I will tell you about later) I absolutely, 100%, would not be writing this blog right now.  If it wasn't for the courage of others and their willingness to humble themselves, I would have never known there were other people like me.  Other women like me, and even other mothers like me.  I feel like I have been given a second chance, a third chance, a fourth chance, and each day the numbers increase.  Because you know what? Some days are really hard.  There are some days where I just want to crawl in a hole.  There was a time when I was 7 months pregnant with Logan that I truly didn't know how I was going to make it, I just knew that I absolutely had no other choice.  I am thankful to God that I admitted myself to the hospital to get the help that I needed.  I am thankful to God that I was able to get a proper diagnosis of OCD, and I am thankful to God every time I look at my loving husband, parents, siblings, and beautiful children that there were wonderful doctors and nurses out there that helped me through such a trying time.  That there were other bloggers, authors, and people just like me, that weren't afraid to tell their story and let me know that there wasn't anything wrong with me.   I hope that when people google OCD, depression, anxiety, eating disorders, etc, that God will lead them to my blog, just like he did for me.  I am not a licensed psychologist or psychiatrist, nor do I claim to be, but I am just a regular mom trying to take each day as it comes.  I am a regular person that struggles just like the next.  I feel like through my experiences I have become a more compassionate and loving person.  I have become less judgmental and more empathetic.  If by telling my story and posting my thoughts helps just one person...than my job here is done.  Welcome to my blog and I pray that God gives me the guidance to help that one person who needs it.