I have been awful about my blog lately!! So here we go--- let's try to resurrect this sucker!
So tomorrow I have quite a big surgery. It's oral surgery, but it's surgery nonetheless. As you can imagine, my anxiety is off the hook. I am getting 6 teeth extracted, bone grafting surgery, & implants drilled into my bone while AWAKE. Yes, you read that correctly. Why I didn't opt for IV sedation is beyond me, but I thought after 2 c-sections I could handle anything awake. :)
I mean I have had A LOT of dental work in my time (thank goodness my Dad is a retired dentist) but nothing like what I am going to experience tomorrow.
It's funny, well actually it's not at all, but our parents are always right. We should listen to them more often. Heck, I should have listened to my dad! He told me back in my early twenties, that if I didn't get a grip on my personal health, that this would all happen. (AKA my procedures tomorrow)
Well, shoulda coulda woulda, but it's too late. So all I can do is more forward.
So here's the deal. I know I preach this all the time, but your mental health and physical health are 100% intertwined with each other. If you feel like crap mentally, then your physical health gets pushed to the back burner.
If you feel like crap physically (out of shape, overweight, high blood pressure, etc) then it can make you unhappy, increase your anxiety, and could ultimately lead to depression.
It's all about balance between the two. You have to put just as much focus on one, as you do the other.
For those of you who are new to my blog, let me catch you up a bit. I grew up in a great family with lots of love. However, I was already predisposed to depression and severe anxiety because of genetics.
When I was 18 I moved away from home and went to college out of state. I knew no one, but was fortunate enough to have an older brother live close by. To make a long story short, my mom said I went from being a big fish in a little sea, to a little fish in a big sea, when I moved away from home.
In high school, I was very outgoing and bubbly. I was an All-American cheerleader, dancer, student council rep, one of three Oklahoma Girls State representatives, Girls State Treasurer, and very active in my church callings. I always had a smile on my face, and was friends with everyone. I honestly had no enemies and did not discriminate.
Even though I came from a pretty well-off family, I wasn't one to be stuck up or think I was ever better than someone else. I wasn't your typical cheerleader either. I would go home after games on Friday nights and bake cookies with two of my girlfriends. I never snuck out and never got grounded.
Over all, I was just a good, happy, straight laced kid.
The biggest thing was that I was ALWAYS happy. I didn't know any different. Even though I had watched my own mother struggle with horrible depression since I was a young child, I didn't really understand it.
She was a great mom, loving, self-less, beautiful, and everything I aspired to be. At that young of an age, I couldn't comprehend how or what she went through in her own mind.
When I moved away to go to college the summer of 1997, everything changed. What should have been the happiest and most exciting time of my life, was anything but that.
I was homesick, scared, lonely, and became fixated on my body. By body, I mean what I ate, more importantly what I didn't eat, working out, losing weight, etc.
I go into more detail about this in earlier blog posts, but that is when anorexia became a big part of my life.
As I went through college and even after graduation into my mid-twenties, I struggled with anorexia, bulimia, anxiety, and depression. I experienced my first experience with depression and almost had to drop out of college on a couple of occasions.
I was paralyzed mentally. I wasn't quite sure what was happening to me, but I was not the girl that I had always known. The once optimistic and bubbly girl, had turned into a sad, hopeless, recluse. I had a hard time getting out of bed, being around others, going to class, taking a shower, etc. I didn't know how to be a member of society anymore. I know that sounds kind of dramatic, but that is the only way I know how to put it.
After about 10 years of being actively involved in my eating disorder, several bouts with depression, an eating disorder clinic, various counselors, anti-depressants, etc- I was only diagnosed with general anxiety, an obvious eating disorder, and severe depression.
However, it wasn't until I was pregnant with our first in 2011, that I was diagnosed with the root of all of these. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. It took all of those experiences, and me hitting absolute rock bottom, for a psychiatrist to actually get my diagnosis right.
I still thank the good Lord for that doctor. What was the hardest time of my life, was actually the start of the rest of my life. You see, you can't really treat or address a problem, if you don't know what the problem is in the first place. How do you fix something, if you don't what you are trying to fix?? It's impossible.
The point I am trying to make is this. I was so caught up in my mind/OCD/anxiety/eating disorder/depression, that I completely neglected my physical health. Even though I was working out, it didn't matter. Too much of a good thing can be awful for you! Especially if you aren't getting proper nutrition, your body is starving for calories, and you aren't keeping anything down that you do eat.
I was sad, anxious, depressed, and just trying to control anything that I could. For me personally, it manifested itself in my physical appearance, my nutrition or lack there of, etc.
What I didn't know, was that ALL OF THIS, was being fueled by OCD. I had struggled with OCD since as early as I can remember. Probably 5 or 6.
However, I had no clue. OCD is one of those things that is so misunderstood. People think that if you have OCD that you constantly have to wash your hands, or lock doors. Yes, I did experience both of those things, but my OCD was mainly in my mind with ruminating.
It caused such awful anxiety, that I would do whatever I could to try and relieve it. Thus, my eating disorder was my biggest coping mechanism.
Well that eating disorder, wreaked havoc on my physical health. At 35 I already have osteoperosis and have done so much damage to my teeth.
So let this be a lesson to you, all of you, that you have to take care of your body & your physical health. You have to take care of your mental health. You truly cannot be healthy, if you don't address them together as one.
Don't wait until it is too late. Don't wait until tomorrow or the next day.
Do it today.
You are worth it.
Your family is worth it.
If you need help, then get it. Create the balance you need in your life to truly be happy. It is possible, and I am living proof.
You got this.
PS- This was taken right before #2 was born last October. This picture to me, represents happiness, strength, resilience, love, excellent health, & hope. <3
Much love,
Lyndsee
