WHAT IF? (2 little words)

What if I wasn't breathing right?  I mean I was breathing and tried to take deep breaths, but I didn't have the right feeling when I was breathing??? Oh gosh, I gotta figure out how to fix this? How do I fix this? Is there a proper way to breathe? I can't handle if I didn't do it right. Rapid heartbeat and flushed cheeks.

What if I wasn't holding the pacifier at the right angle? I'm a bad mother now. Oh crap, but I try so hard. I love my children so much.  I'm a failure. How do I fix this? I can't handle this anxiety.

What if that dose of medicine I missed by twenty minutes gave my kid cancer? I need to research acid refulx. No, don't research acid reflux, don't do it, don't do it. It says severe cases can cause cancer. I gave my child cancer. This can't be happening. I can't breathe. How could I possibly have given my kid cancer? This isn't rational Lyndsee, calm down. But the internet said...I need to go the pediatricians office now and tell them what happened. You can't. They will think you are crazy. This isn't rational, but what if it is? What if my kid is sick? I can't breathe. I'm a horrible parent. How could I forget that dose by twenty minutes. I'm a failure. Runs to pediatricians office in complete panic and crys in the waiting room.

What if that donut is going to make me gain ten lbs tonightut? No that isn't possible. I must get to the gym, but it's 2 in the morning and I have to work at 7. It doesn't matter you have to go. But a donut can't make you gain 10 lbs over night, but what if it does? What if your jeans won't fit and you don't have anything to wear to work. You have to go to the gym. But it's 2 am, I need sleep. You are going to regret this in the morning. Why can everyone else eat and not feel guilty? I didn't do anything wrong. Yes you did. Massive anxiety. Gets in the car and goes to gym at 2 am.

What if I didn't tell that story right and I left out a connecting word? Who cares, its a dumb word. But it matters. If you don't re-tell the story then you are a liar. But I'm not. I'm an honest person. But you have to retell it and get it right. Well what is right? How do I know? Well it will feel right. (Re-tells the story twenty times and can't explain to the other person why they keep repeating themself. Other person is totally annoyed and tells you they have heard the story thirty times.) Massive embarresment, still trying to figure out in mind if the last version was told correctly. Thinks about it the rest of the day.

What if that car would have hit me? What if I would have been a few feet over? So what? Why does that matter? I am fine and I am safe. Nothing happened. But what if it did? What if I got in a really bad accident and somehow it was my fault? What if someone got hurt? What if I got hurt? What if they have to call an ambulence and my parents find out? What if they are worried? I dont want them to worry. I can't breath. I am fine. Looks around and realize nothing happened. But what if it did? Worries about it the rest of the day.

What if someone slips at the pool because I got extra water on the floor in the bathrooom? I better stay and wipe that up until I know its dry.  But I have been wiping for thirty minutes? There is no water left on the ground. Well I better make sure. If someone slips and hurts themself then it is my fault. But it's dry I can see and feel its dry. Am I sure? What if I missed a spot? People keep walking in and looking at me. I feel so stupid. I have got to stop. But I can't.

What if that homework assignment I had extra help on made me a cheater? But I didn't cheat? This was 15 years ago, I was in high school. I just had someone help me. Well what if they pulled more of the load? But I did my best. But if I didn't then my homework isn't technically mine and I shouldn't have a diploma. But it's my high school diploma? If I didn't graduate high school then I am going to have to call my college and tell them. I am going to have to get my college diploma back too. How is this happening? This can't be happening? I'm going to lose my job. I'm going to lose my insurance. I gotta go tell my boss. They are going to think I'm crazy. I  have a baby on the way. This can't be happening.

THIS is what it used to be like in my mind.  This is how I used to live on a minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, month by month basis. It was exhausting.

Actually, sitting here right now and reading all these I can't believe how far I have come and how bad my OCD was at one time.  I couldn't focus, sleep, enjoy my normal activities, or anything without constantly asking 'what if' questions.  Even if I knew they didn't make sense, I still felt this over-heightened responsibility to figure everything out. I was one hot mess.

I mean how does one figure things out, that can't be figured out in the first place. Talk about anxiety provoking!  It's like a damn crossword puzzle you can't ever find the answers to.  I mean who wrote the manual on breathing? How do you know if you are doing it wrong? It's a natural function. Seriously I felt like a walking and talking ball of stress. How do you explain to your husband that you had a rough day because you didn't breath right?!  I can't even!!! I am sitting here cracking up right now.  Not that its funny, but in some ways it is. Seriously, HOT MESS!

If you are struggling with OCD, then you need to label the thoughts for what they are.  You need to recognize the pattern that you feel everytime. The what if scenerios, the pain in your chest, the rapid heartrate, the pit in your stomach, sweat palms, and anxiety that just builds and builds.

Treat every OCD thought and episode the same, even if some produce more anxiety than others. Learn to sit with it. Don't try to avoid the pain or anxiety. Let it bet there and remind yourself that these thoughts don't matter!  They are irrelevant.

Seriously, get up and go for a run. Get outside. Turn on Jeopardy. Watch the Kardashians and make fun of Kim's whiny cry, do anything but sit there and stew over nonsense. I know it feels real and it sure doesn't feel like non-sense, but I can promise you that it is.

It's mother trucking nonsense!

Now that I am better, I can say that my thoughts center around when is my next cheat day and when do I get my next donut. Oh how far I have come. :)

Hang in there! Keep fighting. Don't be a hot mess like me. And just think.. you will have some great stories to tell you grandkids someday. They will be like "Grandma, why were you such a weirdo?!" Well dear, I just was. Now go practice your breathing. You're doing it wrong. ;)

How am I going to handle the challenges of the day?

Last weekend we went on our first vacay as a family of four, and now I need a vacay from my vacay.  Isn't that ironic? No really, it was alot of fun, but sleeping in hotels is totally different now that we have two kids under the age of three.  The days of the nice black out curtains, sleeping in, and ordering room service are long gone.  But you know what? I wouldn't change a thing!  Memories were made that will last a lifetime, even if I am too tired to remember them. :)

With that being said, we pulled back into our driveway Sunday night and when I woke up Monday, the anxiety sat in.  I stood there and stared at the piles of laundry, bags that needed unpacking, groceries that needed to be bought, dishes that needed to be washed, and the to do list just kept on growing. I could feel the anxiety and panic growing in my chest and honestly didn't even know where to start.  On top of that, I was completely exhausted.

I think so many times as mommas, we forget to put ourselves in the equation.  One thing that has really helped decrease my anxiety has been working out.  Even for just thirty minutes a day.  My friends ask me, how do you have time? Well, I don't necessarily have it, but I make it.  It is a non-negotiable.  I am a better mom, more patient, a better wife, more productive, if I take thirty minutes out for me to workout in our basement each morning.  Well guess what, yesterday I didn't make that time.  I felt more irratible yesterday and anxious than I had in a while.  I know how crucial that thirty minutes is for me.  The natural endorphins it gives me and the extra energy to meet an already overly demanding schedule.
So as you read this article, think about what you can do to give yourselves thirty minutes everyday.  I can guarantee you, if you are an anxious person this will really help improve your mood.  As moms, we have to take care of ourselves.  If we don't do it, then noone else will. Our little people depend on us.  Our husbands depend on us.  And you deserve that time to reconnect and focus on your physical health.  In return you are automically helping your mental health.  Have a great Tuesday Friends.  Love yourself today. You are worth it. :)

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/exercise-and-mood/201110/exercise-anxiety?destination=blog%2Fexercise-and-mood%2F201110%2Fexercise-anxiety