So what is OCD like for you anyway?

Ever since I was diagnosed with OCD and more importantly started talking about I have had alot of people ask me what OCD is like for me? I mean they don't see me constantly checking locks or washing my hands over and over.  Most of my OCD occurs completely in my own mind.  The obsession and compulsion.  Let me explain:

I remember as early as 5 years old laying in my bed with horrible anxiety.  You see earlier that day I had overheard some people talking at the store when I was out with my mom.  I couldn't rembember exactly what they had said, nor did it even matter- but I was still wracking my brains out trying to figure out all the details.  The anxiety of not remembering exactly every detail was so great that I got an awful stomach ache.  Not knowing I was actually having the start of a panic attack, I went into my parents room and asked for some stomach medicine.  They then tucked me back in and off to my own world of anxiety I went.  What did those people say? What if I can't remember and I really need to know? What if by not remembering something horrible is going to happen to me and my family. What if? What if? What if? The anxiety I felt even as a innocent 5 year old still brings a pit to my stomach.

You see they call OCD the doubting disease.  It makes you doubt everything you think and everything you know.  OCD and uncertainity do not mesh well together.  That uncertainty fuels the OCD thoughts and compulsions.  Now with the example above, you are probably wondering what the compulsion was.  The obsession was that if I didn't figure out what was said, that something bad would happen to me and my family.  The compulsion end of it was non-stop mental rumination.  Rumination is where you go over and over things, events, thoughts, etc in your head- almost trying to figure out some puzzle.   The catchy part is it's a puzzle that can never be solved. So instead you spend hours, days, sometimes months trying to figure things out in your mind.  You do this because you are trying to neturalize and reduce the level of anxiety.  Very similar to an OCD person that feels that their hands are too dirty , so they continue to wash and wash to diminish the anxiety until things feel just right.

Another example I have is from middle school.  Another part of OCD is saying or repeating things until it feels 'just right' in order to keep bad things from happening.  I remember hanging out with one of my best friends and I was trying to tell her a story about something.  I kept repeating and repeating.  If I felt like I left out a word or didn't phrase it correctly, I would have to restart the entire story over again from the beginning.  She finally said, "Lyndsee.... Stop!!!! You have now told me this like 5 or 6 different times" When she said that, I remember being so embaressed.  I knew I had told the story a gazillion times and I couldn't explain why even to myself, but I had to keep repeating it until I felt like it was told correctly- otherwise my anxiety would not go away.

Last example, also in Middle School.  I remember kids at school talking about how Stillwater was now becoming infested with gangs from the Crips and the Bloods.  This terrified me.  It caused so much anxiety that every day for the next three weeks it was all I could think about.  That these gangs were going to kill me and my family.  It was the worst thought and no matter what I did I could not get it out of my head.  It was at that point, that I became a compulsive door locker.  We lived in a pretty big house and I would spend up to 45 minutes locking, relocking, locking, relocking, and checking every single door- sometimes up to 100 times each every single night. Once I had finished that daunting task it would make the anxiety go away...at least for a little bit.

Now I could tell you a thousand stories, but I will spare you the craziness.  :) Point is this.  OCD obsessions usually center around things and values/morals you hold dearest.  So for me mine always center around health and safety of my kids & husband.  Although obsessions can be different for everyone, it is important to remember that just because it is an obsession doesn't mean they agree with it, when in fact it is the complete opposite
.  For example say you have a person that is very religious and never cusses.  Because we are human we have 1,001 weird thoughts go through our  mind every day.  It's not that we believe the thoughts or want them there, but things will always pop in and out of your mind.  So imagine when all of sudden the F word goes through their mind.  They don't want that thought there, nor do they agree with it, but they can't get it to go away.  Instead of just dismissing it as a thought and nothing else, they start to ask all these questions in their mind.  Because I have thought of the F word, does that mean I am an evil person? Am I going to hell? Then that could turn into did I do something blasphemous? And so on and so forth. So bascially their mind goes from 0 to 60 in five seconds flat- to the very worst scenerio.  Then the compulsion for them is trying to figure the situation out to reduce anxiety.  Have I ever thought of the F word before? Has there ever been a time when I accidentally said it? What if I say it again? What if  Ithink it again? Does God hate me? Do you see the pattern with what if's? So this person has the compulsion to try and work it out in their mind and in doing so, there will always be a loophole. Even if they start to figure out why the F word popped in their mind, then some other 'what if' scenerio will pop in their head.  It just goes around and around like an awful carosel ride.  In life nothing is ever 100% certain.  That drives the OCD mind absolutely crazy.  To rest and sit with the uncertainity is an anxiety that I cannot even put into words. It is absolutely gut wrenching.

So for me I have learned and continue to learn to try and rest with the uncertainity. This is something I have to do on a day to day basis.  It is so hard and it honestly kicks my butt.  I'm not really sure where to end this blog tonight, because I have so much I want to say.  So I guess if you are reading this and are lucky enough to not have OCD, I hope I have opened your eyes just a little bit.  If you are reading this blog and you too suffer, keep fighting!! Move through the uncertainty and push through.  I promise you can do it.  Don't beat yourself up and know that you are worth it.  You are not the OCD and the OCD is not you.  We are in this together. You are never alone....